Speculations and Spectacles

bitching about bitches … and other musings


1 Comment

The Bachelor: Sean Tells All (the boring stories aka nothing, nothing new here folks!)

HIII CHRIS HARRISON!

  • “Attacking my character is the quickest way to get me heated.” Yeah, we could see that by the look on your face, Sean.
  • WHAT? Des’s brother was nice at the beginning of the night? Did he get drunk or something and change his mind? Or upset Sean just for show?
  • Sean thinks it’s just because he’s a jackass.
  • Is this just a recap of last night?… BORING
  • Commercial
  • Let’s talk about one-armed Sarah!
  • “She just wants to be like everyone else” – Sean
  • Oh no! Roller derby memories. Sarah falling over and over again. Why did they put her on that date?!
  • Oh, they’re addressing that! … She didn’t want to be left out. Hmmm.
  • No passion behind their last kiss 😥
  • “She ripped out my heart when I heard that” -Sean, you’re too empathetic.
  • Commercial
  • Lets talk about Selma, the Iraqi, who couldn’t kiss on public tv.
  • “Selma did end up kissing you, but it was on the night you sent her home” -Chris Harrison
  • “After our 1 on 1 date I thought she was going to be the one” -says Sean, the ultimate confused bachelor.
  • Now lets talk about Lesley!
  • Sexy way to eat a brownie. “You know how Daddy likes his brownie. Give it to me.” Uhhh gross.
  • Commercial
  • Time to talk about Tierrable
  • “I walked into a hornets nest” HAHAHA
  • He felt duped! Well, duh.
  • Montana memories… the shitty week when Sean wanted to quit it all.
  • The Robyn Tierra mess went on for hours?! WOW
  • “Okay, I’m gonna go cry in the bathroom now” -Catherine HAHA
  • Commercial
  • Ashley P. The 50 shades of cray. Oh nooo, so drunk 😦
  • Catherine passing “nerd notes”
  • She fit in the wheel well of the truck/bus?!
  • Daniella pretending to be Chris Harrison! How funny!
  • We missed Wedding Dress Lindsay and Sean crowd surfing? Uhhh… snore.
  • Stop saying you have no idea who you’re going to send home.
  • FANTASY SUITE TALK! OOH LA LA!
  • WHAT WAS THAT GIGGLING ABOUT SEX… EXCUSE ME “A CHANCE TO BE PHYSICAL”
  • Preview for next week: STOOOOP CALLING SEAN “THIS MAN”, “These are my last three girls” , “Sean’s my soulmate”, the proposal stoop is a little witchy and weird with those plants!
  • OMG SEAN SHOWERING?! SERIOUSLY? HAHAHA
Advertisements


Leave a comment

The Bachelor Episode 7: “I’m falling in love with you” and the moment everyone has been waiting for

Sorry this is late, but here it is!

sean

  • From this preview this is gonna be an episode FULL of tears!
  • Sea plane! to Saint Croix (Did I spell that right?)
  • Is Sean part of the welcome crew? “WELCOME TO ST. CROIX” the land of virgins, or born-again virgins, or is it just the Virgin Islands?
  • AshLee wants a 1 on 1… Why did they put her in the sun, she is squinting real bad.
  • Tierra got her own pull away bed?! HAHA “I don’t like girls that like my boyfriend” She has said this before.
  • “The cougars back in town” -Tierra … OHNOSHEISN’T she’s hating on AshLee for being 32.
  • OH I didn’t know two girls are going home this week. DUN DUN DUN.
  • OOOH swimming out to their private catamaran.
  • You can tell AshLee is head over heels for Sean. She is way too serious.
  • “I want to roll away her roll away into the freakin ocean” – Lesley HAHA
  • So Sean asks about the drama in the house and then AshLee vents it ALLLLL. UH OH.
  • He believes her! WOW, didn’t see that one coming.
  • I think AshLee is going to be the next Bachelorette.
  • You hear her say all these great things about him, but he hasn’t said much.
  • Commercial
  • OMG Tierra gets the 1 on 1 and she’s complaining about bugs her make-up dripping off and being sweaty?!
  • AshLee thats a GIANT wine glass! DAYUM!
  • AshLee’s got a secret to tell, EYO, I’m excited. I hope she says she used to be a man. She’s so pretty that would be incredible, but I’m guessing she was married before?
  • “15 years ago…” HERE IS COMES! I CALLED IT, SHE GOT MARRIED WHEN SHE WAS 17!
  • “So you were a married high school junior?” -Sean HAHAHA
  • Is this really a big deal? It was 15 years ago!
  • HE STILL LIKES HER, didn’t see that one coming *sarcasm*
  • The cliche yelling alone into the darkness. WEIRD.

ashleeyells

  • OH NO, she said she loves him. She yelled she loves him.

ashleeyellscloseup

  • “I could easily fall in love with AshLee” … but he isn’t yet and didn’t say “I love you” back.
  • Commercial
  • Here comes Tierra’s first 1 on 1 date!
  • They are shopping together, derp.
  • A parade starts happening, sure, just out of the blue.

parade2

  • Of course Tierra is being fun and cute the entire date.

tierraseandancinginparade

  • Question time… INTERROGATE HER, SEAN!
  • She is so delusional, the other girls have been pissed off since the first rose?! UM what?
  • Commercial
  • “This is our sugar mill” OH OKAY
  • I like her blue necklace!

tierranecklace

  • DATE CARD BACK AT THE HIZZZOUSE. Catherine, Lindsay, and Des get a group date.
  • Gosh Tierra is so annoying.
  • “I’m falling in love with you” ALL DA BITCHES BE SAYING THIS.
  • Commercial
  • 4:42AM?! Sean waking up the ladies?
  • Is he really taking their photos with out makeup on? HAHA
  • Catherine’s photo is hilarious

earlyphoto

  • First people in America to see the sunrise! Fun, if you’re into that.

sunrise

  • Is that the same sugar mill he was at with Tierra? Sketchy
  • What were those fruit stars in their drinks?! COOL!

starfruit

  • Tree house?! Pretty cool.
  • How awkward watching Sean just hanging out with just one girl and waiting for your turn.

watchingwaiting

  • Who will get the rose on this date?
  • Sean sitting on Catherine’s shoulders in the water, hahaha!

seanoncatherinesshoulders

  • Sean is always bringing up how crazy Wedding Dress Lindsay was the first night!
  • Catherine explains why her dad won’t be there if Sean goes to her hometown date. Suicidal, depression dad. WOMP WOMP 😥
  • Tear jerkers get roses… we shall see.
  • OMG Tierra hears AshLee and Lesley talking!
  • Des is crying talking about her family, CHEESY!

desfamilytalk

  • “I do want to settle down, and to have everything that they had” -Des (or also on this week’s Girls HBO episode)
  • ROSE. ROSE. ROSE. ROSE!
  • Wedding Dress Lindsay got the rose! Guaranteed hometown date yo!
  • Commercial
  • “Our relationship is not where it needs to be at this point” -Sean on Lesley
  • Fruit picking and chatting!

lesleyfruit

  • “I do want to tell him I’m falling in love with him” … this is the 3rd time I’ve heard this on this episode!
  • Sean looks super freckly this episode.
  • OH “It didn’t feel right to tell him today”
  • This date is awkward
  • “I like how you smile with your eyes at me” -Lesley, sounding like Tyra Banks
  • Sean’s sister is in town!
  • “I can see myself being possibly married to any of them” -Sean
  • Tierra confronts AshLee and her eyebrows are off the charts.

eyebrow

  • “I’m a 24 year old woman and you’re 32!” Uhhh okay.
  • “Men love me!” -Tierra, OH OKAY, Tierra.
  • Tierra is psycho.
  • “I CAN’T CONTROL MY EYEBROW!” -Tierra, best line of the season!

tierraeyebrows

  • Commercial
  • Tierra is crying when Sean shows up to bring him to meet his sister.

tierracrying

  • I wonder what Tierra is thinking re-watching these episodes.
  • So many tears have come out of this bitch this season
  • Is Sean’s face red? Sun burn?
  • Is Sean’s sister going to inspire him to send her home?!!?
  • Commercial
  • “I’m crazy about you…BUT… it may be best for you to go home now.” Does that mean go home for good, or until the hometown date? I’m confused. Who says they are crazy about someone then sends them home?
  • “Do you want to say goodbye to the girls?” “No” HAHAHA of course not
  • “This is the best walk of shame ever” – My Dad
  • BYE BYE TIERRA!

byebitch

  • Is she really blaming the other girls?!

Tierrasenthome

  • He better not bring her back… why are there previews of other girls crying
  • Commercial
  • “So she’s older than he is? She’s going home” – My Dad on AshLee
  • There’s cocktail party?! YIKES
  • AshLee tries to explain herself to the other girls.
  • This music is way too dramatic
  • Of course Des gets a rose, that thing with her boyfriend or some dude still has to happen.
  • Okay so its down to AshLee and Lesley… who is going to get a rose.
  • AW BYE BYE LESLEY. 😦
  • AshLee is WAY TOO SERIOUS ABOUT ALL DIS! It’s scaring me.

ashlee

  • Whoa, Catherine is freaking out.

catherinecryingwordsCatherinefreakout

lesleycatherine

(Later on Twitter)

  • Next week previews: OH so Des’s brother freaks out on Sean? and Catherine’s sisters don’t like him?! WHAT WILL HAPPEN. These episodes are getting more boring each week.

See you next week! Sorry this is a late post!


2 Comments

The Bachelor Episode 6: Ice Castles, More Canoes, Hypothermia, and Falling in Love in a Teepee

TWO EPISODES IN ONE WEEK, AREN’T WE ALL SO LUCKY.

  • OH THEY IN CANADIA. Crossin’ tha border!
  • “There’s a woman here tonight I don’t see a forever with” Everyone hopes it’s Tierra, I betcha $1,000 it’s not!
  • MOUNTAINS, LAKES, WATERFALLS, BEARS, SNOW! Why is your shirt on, Sean?
  • Sean don’t like drama, no drama for your mama!
  • The water is fake, it’s so blue! Maybe its CG

bluewater

  • DATE CARD! Catherine gets a 1 on 1, she’s adorable.
  • Czech owt dat SNOW BRO!
  • GIANT SNOW BUS & SEAN IS DRIVING IT! – Remember when he couldn’t start the jeep?
  • Oh she sits behind him? HAHA

catherinesitsbehind

  • “Thank you for traveling with Sean’s Giant Snow Bus!”
  • His hair is snow, HAHAHAHAHA! It looks too cold to have fun!

frozensean

  • “Catherine has passed the blizzard test.” CUTE

snowplaycatherine

  • Commercial
  • “I want everything with him” yeah, okay. All da gurlz say this.
  • ICE CASTLE! WITH A FIRE IN IT?!

icecastle

  • “It just clicks with you” STOP USING THE SAME LINE ON ALL THE GIRLS, SEAN!
  • Daniella didn’t get the 1 on 1 date, but neither did Tierra
  • “I want Sean to know the reason I am the way I am” -Catherine… Oh, why you’re so sweet and cute?
  • OMG 12 year old traumatic story. YIKES. I’m surprised she didn’t turn out more like Tierra!
  • Traumatic sob stories get roses.

snowcastlekiss

  • I want their blanket.
  • “Catherine has melted my heart” … but not the ice castle HEH HEH! bad jokes by Paulina
  • Commercial
  • GROUP DATE!
  • AshLee runs to be the first to hug. First grade mentality I WANNA BE FIRST.
  • CANOES ROUND 2
  • AHHHH Lesley claims Sean’s canoe, THAT WAS FAST. She probably doesn’t want to row.
  • HAHAHA She just said my idea of letting “the man” row!
  • Selma’s cranky… her laugh. NOOOOO!

selmalaugh

  • Sean and Lesley make it to land first, BIG SURPRISE!

canoelesleywin

  • Let’s embrace Canada, by jumping into the freezing water.
  • AIGHT so there is the professionals saying “get out of the water as quickly as possible”, I have a feeling someone won’t listen.
  • Selma don’t want to swim in NO freezing water! & Tierra looks cranky, we know what’s gonna happen
  • Lesley jokes about hypothermia… you have no idea what’s coming girl!

lesleyHypothermia

  • Commercial
  • AshLee doesn’t want to do this either.
  • “I think I’m from Baghdad” – Selma
  • OKAY, this date is to distinguish the high maintenance girls from the low maintenance girls. So far Selma, Tierra, and AshLee are high maintenance. But Selma is the only one sitting out.

hellnoselma

  • The taking of the shoes off & then SHIRTLESS SEAN!

SHIRTLESSSEAN

  • Where is Tierra going on her own? K she got in and out on time…?

inthewater

  • HAHA everyone is so excited! SMILES ALL AROUND!
  • “Tierra can’t breathe” um where is her towel and her shoes? WTF!
  • Aw Daniella is helping warm Tierra up! Even though she’s a bitch. JK I would obvs do the same.
  • Commercial
  • Is it even possible to get hypothermia that soon?
  • Tierra is still so cold! 😥 WAH, cry me a river, bitch

Tierrablefreezing

  • Is Tierra the biggest wuss ever or is this really real?
  • “This guy better marry me! I’m just kidding” … “No, you’re not” UM AWKWARD. RU4REAL?!
  • Commercial
  • 7 on 1 date changes to 6 on 1 date (Thanks to Tierra)
  • BOW CHICKA WOW WOW Lesley reminds us she got to hold Sean’s hand when they jumped in the water.

lesleyholdingseanshand

  • She’s so cute. She loves love! AW!
  • “I appreciate you so much!” -Sean… what does that mean? That sounds cryptic.
  • Lesley is the Arie of this season. They makeout a lot, but will she win? Will she get stuck in second place?
  • Sarah shares family stories and photos! … Oh she gave him the photos? That is a little weird.
  • Desiree call me Des gets a second 1 on 1! Over Tierra and Daniella. Hm…
  • Tierra gets ready to go out to the date a little late, fashionably late?
  • Oh no the girls are making fun of her! When she walks in?! Whoa. Planned much?
  • Her hands are warm because her body is so cold?! Uh no.
  • Wedding Dress Lindsay steals Sean away from Tierra to make out.
  • BUT LESLEY gets the rose! HOLLA!
  • Tierra (Eyebrows McGee) is pissed. “I think I deserve it and I don’t think its fair” LIFE AIN’T FAIR YOU STUPID BITCH!
  • For once a sob story doesn’t get a rose, you’re getting a little better Sean.
  • Commercial
  • OH MY GOSH, THE FAMILY PHOTOS FREAKED SEAN OUT. HOW SAD! Sarah is going home.
  • “It’s just not meant to be” :/ :/ :/ :/
  • Gosh, so many break ups on this show. (25 break-ups to be exact)
  • BRING ON THE WATERWORKS.
  • “I don’t know what happened, I don’t know if it’s me” Well yeah, its you.
  • She’s really venting it out on this going home segment. WOW.
  • Bye Sarah!
  • And then there were 16 arms left competing… (another bad joke by yours truly)
  • Commercial
  • Des’s 1 on 1 date! “Don’t be scared to FALL in love”
  • THE WHITE FLOWERS, THOSE WERE NICE.
  • Gonna repel down the mountain to a picnic! FUN! Why do all the girls get so freaked out by these “dates”/challenges.

repeldes

  • “It would be a lot harder if Sean wasn’t here right now” … you wouldn’t be doing this if Sean weren’t there!
  • “I don’t want you to give up on us” – Sean … yeah, because that’s his job to decide if HE wants to give up or not.
  • DID ANYONE ELSE SEE THE ELKS TONGUE AT THE END?! HAHA.
  • Commercial
  • RACCOON SPOTTING!
  • LOOK AT SEAN’S SWEATER! LAWL

seanssweater

  • OH its so he matches the Teepee, or is it Tipi?
  • Fire cracking? Sketchy.
  • Des grew up poor! & lived in a tent for 4 months growing up.
  • “I want a house full of love” she said with hearts in her eyes.
  • OH NO the dreaded-overused: “I want to be with my best friend”
  • LOL teepee shadow kissing.

teepeeshadow copy

  • “I opened up about living some of my life in a tent and here I am falling in love in a teepee” HAHAHA
  • Commercial
  • “You’re gonna WIFE that?!” -Selma on Tierra. HAHA Selma has great quotes!
  • I want to know what everyone is drinking each rose ceremony!
  • Selma kissed Sean?! Say goodbye to your family!
  • Wedding Dress Lindsay promises not to kiss-away her time with Sean, BRAVE MOVE.
  • “I sleep naked” Wedding Dress Lindsay is crazy
  • OH SHE COULDN’T KEEP HER NO-KISSING PROMISE.

nokisslindsay

  • AshLee does all these weird metaphorical things each week! Blind folding to show her vulnerability/her trust.
  • I feel like she may be taking the Sarah approach, soon she will do something that will make Sean uncomfortable & she’ll be gone.
  • Commercial
  • Two BITCHEZ going home tonight?
  • CANDLES IN THE FIREPLACE —> CLEVER
  • Could Tierra finally be going home??
  • OKAY SO SELMA, TIERRA, DANIELLA AND ONLY ONE ROSE LEFT
  • Tierra got the rose! HOLY MOLY!
  • Selma is regretting that kiss.
  • It would really suck to be beaten out by Tierra!
  • 6 BITCHES LEFT!
  • Heading to the Virgin Islands… because Sean is a born again virgin. HAHAHA!

virginsean

  • Previews: AshLee says “I love you” & then is a tattle-tale… uh oh!

Moral of why we all watch The Bachelor… or maybe why Tierra is on the show:

aprilparksandrec

See you next week!


1 Comment

The Bachelor Episode 3: World Records, Beach Bitches, and Fake Concussions

My dearest readers I am sorry I am posting this on a Wednesday. I went to a concert Monday night in place of my sick mother and then became a zombie for all of Tuesday dreading trying to be witty while watching The Bachelor. So let’s hope my wit is at least sort-of in tact today.

  • YES, this is the ambulance/accident episode accompanied with more shirtless moments, of course.
  • WHY DO THEY START EVERY EPISODE WITH SEAN WORKING OUT? DOES HE DO ANYTHING ELSE? Yawn.

rungif

  • 16 bitches left, thanks for clarifying Chris Harrison, who is wearing denim on denim. HOT.
  • Lesley M gets a solo date, how sad for the other Leslie who got her hopes up.
  • AHHHH the back of her dress is to die for. (by now I’m sure you realize I like the backs of dresses.)
  • They’re walking through the Guinness World Record Museum. OMG his dad set a world record?! How random. Now they are going to break a record, like father like son.
  • “I think it’s safe to say this date has potential to go in the record books” You are so cheesy, Sean.
  • They are going to attempt to break the longest on screen kiss “It’s the coolest thing I can imagine, don’t get me wrong, but I think my body is numb.” – Lesley M, HAHA!
  • Commercial Break
  • Oh the official world records dude has a british accent, how official.
  • So they have to kiss for 3 minutes and 15 seconds to break the record. That’s a long time to kiss on screen & in public.
  • I guess the record has stood for 10 years, can they do it?!
  • Here they go! Oh no, they are trying not to laugh.
  • “He’s starting to cop a feel now, this is getting more serious” Thanks Chris Harrison for the side comments.
  • Aaaand the romantic tunes start to play, this is dumb, this situation is not romantic.
  • 3 minute mark!!!!
  • They broke the record, big surprise. This will be weird for Sean’s future wife/girlfriend if its not Lesley M.

worldrecordkiss

  • Commercial Break
  • They are on top of the Roosevelt Hotel. Always on top of roofs for night dates.
  • Everyone on this show seems to have had the perfect childhood & their parents are still together and “madly in love”.
  • EW that slow motion shot of Sean’s tongue going into Lesley’s mouth was just, uhg.
  • Date card comes in back at the bitch mansion! Lot’s of bitches, 12 to be exact!
  • Aaand back on the rooftop confetti explodes while they are kissing on the rooftop. Was this planned? Like what if they didn’t kiss, would the confetti still explode? What if the date ended horribly? Does that ever happen?
  • Commercial Break
  • Group date time! They’re at the beach! Time for Shirtless Sean & skimpy, gaudy bikinis.
  • Kristy’s bandana is ridick.
  • Sean’s doing pushups with ladies on his back? Okay, so normal since all he really does is work out.

pushupsgif

  • Why is Chris Harrison not shirtless and in board shorts? I wish.
  • Competition time. UH OH. Bring out the claws! Volley ball tournament to continue on the date with Sean.
  • No one knows how to play volleyball. Especially Daniella.
  • Des serves to win! … Is Kristy crying?!

kristycrying

  • Six girls stay and six go home. Kristy is really upset, calm your tits, bitch.
  • Commercial
  • Wedding dress Lindsay is spilling her soul, awkwardly. KISS TIME. More awkward close ups of Sean’s tongue.

tongue

  • “When I fall in love, I give it my all” said every girl ever on The Bachelor.
  • BOOTY CLOSE UP on Des as well as Sean’s hand on her ASSets.

desASS

  • Tierra reads the date card and pulls a fast one on the bitches & reads two names instead of one. Leading to two upset bitchets.
  • I get she was trying to be silly, but this is a SERIOUS competition for true love. I mean come on, Tierra.
  • Des is listening in on Sean and Amanda’s alone time and begins to freak.
  • Kacie is a tattle tale! Of course there will be lady drama in a place where girls are fighting for the same man. Kacie, you’ve done this before, chill out!
  • Why is Kacie saying all this? Nothing is really going on.
  • “Why are you involving yourself” OHHHHH Sean you nailed it.
  • Tip 1: When you have alone time with Sean, NEVER talk about other girls or bitch mansion drama!
  • Wedding dress Lindsay gets the rose! HEYO.
  • Kacie is freaking out, CALM DOWN, seriously this is annoying.
  • Commercial
  • AshLee’s all ready for her one on one date Love her dress. Can someone buy that for me?

ashleedress

  • CRAAAAAAASH. Tierra fell down the stairs.
  • “As a guy who’s had several concussions…” Wait, seriously Sean?
  • Is Tierra really fighting the decision to go to the hospital? WHAT WAS THAT?

tierraneckbrace

  • Oh my gosh, now she’s laughing?! WUT? Poor AshLee. Is Tierra gonna get the rose from AshLee’s date?
  • I bet she just bruised her ass from falling, attention whore.
  • BUT SERIOUSLY. If you didn’t see this episode watch the stair fiasco:

  • Commercial
  • “I’m ready to move past Tierra’s fall” says AshLee, the professional OCD organizer HAHA
  • They shut down Six Flags to have it to themselves? Daaaayum, jealous.
  • …With a charity twist!

ashlee

  • Okay this is cute.
  • First private concert of this season! That’s probably the reason why I would want to be the Bachelorette, oh and to travel the world and go on awesome dates for free.
  • AshLee’s getting all sentimental recapping the day and talking about helping other people and shit.
  • Commercial
  • AshLee was adopted at 6 & was abused in a foster home! 😥 Okay, first contestant not from a perfect family.
  • Is Sean crying from hearing her story of meeting her adoptive family?! HE IS. Every woman across America is now crying because he is crying.
  • I wanna see a flaw in this man. Maybe his flaw is his blondness.
  • Hearing about how all these girls are falling in love is really painful. Most of them will be going home & will be upset for yeaaaaars. (Sorry, is that too pessimistic?)
  • Commercial
  • Cocktail Party! I JUST SAW A MOJITO. Give it to me.
  • Sean brought Leo, Sarah’s dog to the bitch mansion in a limo! HAHAA Soooo cute. Does he get to stay the whole time? I bet the girls would be more calm with a dog in the house that they could pet and play with.

leo_o_GIFSoup-1.com

  • Tierra’s earrings, WTF! They are GIANT. Her ears must be in pain. Maybe they’ll fall off.
  • Des cuts in on Tierra’s time.  I feel a CAT FIGHT brewing!
  • “I wanted more time with him & I get what I want” – Tierra. Oh okay Ms. Bitchy Pants.
  • OMG now Lesley M is stealing Sean from Tierra! OH WOW. This is getting intense.
  • “Girls are being ruthless” -Sean. Well no shit, they all think you’re God.
  • All while Des is sitting waiting for him to come back.
  • Kacie apologizes for the other night & wants time to talk but now AshLee and Selma cut in. UH OH AWKWARD.
  • It seems no one got “enough” time with Sean. Everyone just talked at him, he did no talking. Shit’s getting real.
  • Commercial
  • Rose Ceremony!
  • WHOA. Before he gives the roses out, he needs to talk to Kacie. (and he takes a rose with him)
  • “We’re better off as friends.” – Sean

kacie

  • Bye Kacie! (um I sooooo called it)
  • One rose left… We know Des is getting it. She’s been in previews for more weeks.
  • Model Kristy & Taryn (who?) are going home. See ya later, bitches.

kristygoeshometaryn

Previews: They focus on Tierra quite a bit. OMG ROLLER DERBY, bitches gonna be getting hurt. I predict Jackie is going home next week & maybe Daniella. We don’t see enough of them.

Moral of the Episode: Don’t bitch about other bitches to DUDES. Oh and watch out for using too much tongue like Sean:

toomuchtongue

See you next week for some real live blogging!


Leave a comment

The Bachelor Episode 2: “Tacky hos are a dime a dozen” or “Tornado of Negativity”

and we begin with Sean pumping iron… again.

abssss

I hope every episode starts with Shirtless Sean being shirtless.

  • WHO GETS THE FIRST DATE?!!! —> Sarah! The one-armed hottie!
  • OHAI Helicopter… Sean is an angel descending from the sky, in a helicopter.
  • LOL @ all the girls covering their eyes from helicopter wind and hair blowing in the wind.
  • “My ability to love someone isn’t affected by how many hands I have.”
  • I love how much she talks about being one-armed.
  • Commercial Break
  • They are on a skyscraper now…
  • Oh so the first date is free-falling 300 ft just to drink champagne at the bottom, that’s totally normal.
  • SO MANY Go-Pros on their helmets!
  • Sean’s gonna be all manly and help Sarah face her fears… is this like a manly fantasy or what? This happens every season.
  • If that were me falling, I would be awkward and just not scream, then I probably wouldn’t get another rose.

seansarahbuilding

  • Commercial
  • She changed?! Were the producers holding onto her slinky black dress?
  • The sad music accompanies the story of her being denied zip lining because being “disabled”
  • OMG they keep cutting to close ups of her nonarm!
  • “I do consider myself a man” – Sean Lowe, 2013, Man of the year.
  • ANOTHER DATE CARD: Group date… with A LOT of bitches. 13 girls to be exact.
  • Sarah & Sean are in a fancy Moroccan canopy bed thing outside, WUT, and they are going one more place.
  • FIRST ROSE OF THE NIGHT GOES TO SARAH. hey girl hey.
  • FIRST KISS… “I feel like I’m falling in love with Sean” Ummmm, it’s only the first date, lady. Calm your panties.
  • Commercial
  • Group date time. Tierra is already reminding me of Courtney from Ben’s season. WATCH OUT!
  • Photo shoots for romance novel covers!
  • The model, Kristy, thinks she has this in the bag. “Homegirl’s a little excited to do a photo shoot” says the yogi.
  • Drama with Tierra, already, I’m not surprised. The pandora’s box of jealousy has been opened.
  • Lesley M is heating up the cowgirl shoot. UH OH, director of the shoot asks for them to kiss on the lips.
  • Tierra is freaking out and its showing… in her forehead. Looks at that tension, are those veins? Oh wait, maybe its a scar
  • Kristy the model is up… the other girls are saying “her scene was a hot scene.” SHE WON. Big woop.

seduced

  • Tierra is talking in third person, uh oh. She’s cray cray.
  • Commercial
  • Kacie’s hiding in the back, scared of a new set of girls.
  • Lesley M and Sean are hopeful for love together. She’s funny I like her.
  • “There’s a whole bunch of roses in the rose garden, just grab one.” -My Dad
  • Lesley M takes matters into her own hands and goes back to kiss Sean.
  • Uh oh, Kacie’s cute, but I think she’s in the friend zone in Sean’s brain. Oh & she just used that phrase, haha. OH and she has a wicked witch laugh.
  • Commercialzzzz
  • “Im vegan but I love the beef.” WHO’S DIS BITCH? … it’s Catherine, who might be the only girl who looks as young as she says she is.
  • Selma looks like she’s had work done, on her face.
  • Tierra is the mope queen. Queen of Mope. Distancing her from other bitchez.
  • Sean never stops smiling, I bet he would smile breaking up with a girl.
  • “Does she have more teeth than normal people?” -My Dad on Tierra
  • NEXT SOLO DATE GOES TO: Desiree “Call me Dez”
  • The yogi, Katie, is feeling weird, it feels unnatural. WELL LET ME TELL YOU, THIS SHOW IS UNNATURAL! Time to talk to Sean.
  • Bye bye yogi/crazy-hair Katie.

Katie

  • Kacie gets the rose… I don’t think she’s gonna win though.
  • Commercial Time
  • 1 on 1 date time with Desiree! PRANK TIME aka Punk’d Bachelor Edition
  • Sven is the artist, HAHA, great name.
  • This is kinda sad, are The Bachelor producers running out of ideas?
  • Desiree in the limo running her tongue along her teeth? Really editors, you guys didn’t have another shot of her?
  • All of her dresses have awesome backs!
  • “I am a bad person” – Sean. Yes, yes your are.
  • Commercial
  • Dinner time and the broccoli is huge! I guess they are trying to be all healthy and shit.

broccoli

  • Hand on the thigh, BOW CHICKA WOW WOW.
  • Jacuzzi time. OF COURSE HE’S WEARING RED, WHITE, & BLUE BOARD SHORTS.
  • “As a man I want to protect my wife.” – Sean the man.
  • Here we are rooting for Dez, but we all saw the preview where her boyfriend comes to town. Please don’t break Sean’s heart. All of America’s women will come after you.
  • Commercial
  • Rose Ceremony time!
  • Wedding Dress Lindsay is refraining from the champagne this time around.”My dad’s a general in the army” aka don’t break my heart, he will come after you.
  • Sean is in love with love. So he’s falling for everyone.
  • “Amanda’s not being responsive” Is she really not answering the other girls questions? WEIRDO.
  • Commercial
  • Amanda is the elephant in the room & I’m not saying she’s fat. I know I used that phrase incorrect, but you get what I’m saying.

Amanda

  • “The show is getting more culturally diverse” – Robyn, a hot black chick.
  • “Physically I don’t have a type.” Every girl in American swoons. Sean loves all women, because he loves love.
  • “Is she on the Shahs of Whatever?” -My Dad on Selma.
  • Robyn is pissed because Amanda is wearing the same color dress. HAHA jk. She’s pissed because Amanda’s being strange.
  • Amanda’s dress is like she has roses on her shoulders… Is that her good luck charm hoping to get a rose?
  • Commercial
  • Roses are being handed out. This is the time to look at all the sad girls’ faces.
  • TIERRA IS FREAKING. She just eye stabbed Jackie.

twofacedtierra

  • They keep cutting to Tierra, hahahha. We know she’s getting a rose though. YEP, there she goes. 3 roses left.
  • Taryn looks really old!
  • Amanda is the last to get a rose. EVERYONE is pissed. This was planned.
  • Bye Brooke! Your lipstick matches your dress.
  • The mother of two Diana goes home. Sorry, lady. “I wasn’t enough for him.” Getting denied sucks, but your odds aren’t that great, only one bitch wins.
  • At least Sean got a lotta kisses on this episode!

bachelorkisses

  • PREVIEWS: “She’s RUDE”. The accident happens next week where the paramedics come. YESSSS!

Moral of the Episode: Some advice from the lovely Amy Pohler

AmyPohler

No one reading my blog will end up dating Sean Lowe so listen to Amy.

Thanks for watching with me!

 

POST SHOW FUNNY: (From Sean Lowe’s twitter)

seanlowetwitter