Speculations and Spectacles

bitching about bitches … and other musings


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The Bachelor Episode 3: World Records, Beach Bitches, and Fake Concussions

My dearest readers I am sorry I am posting this on a Wednesday. I went to a concert Monday night in place of my sick mother and then became a zombie for all of Tuesday dreading trying to be witty while watching The Bachelor. So let’s hope my wit is at least sort-of in tact today.

  • YES, this is the ambulance/accident episode accompanied with more shirtless moments, of course.
  • WHY DO THEY START EVERY EPISODE WITH SEAN WORKING OUT? DOES HE DO ANYTHING ELSE? Yawn.

rungif

  • 16 bitches left, thanks for clarifying Chris Harrison, who is wearing denim on denim. HOT.
  • Lesley M gets a solo date, how sad for the other Leslie who got her hopes up.
  • AHHHH the back of her dress is to die for. (by now I’m sure you realize I like the backs of dresses.)
  • They’re walking through the Guinness World Record Museum. OMG his dad set a world record?! How random. Now they are going to break a record, like father like son.
  • “I think it’s safe to say this date has potential to go in the record books” You are so cheesy, Sean.
  • They are going to attempt to break the longest on screen kiss “It’s the coolest thing I can imagine, don’t get me wrong, but I think my body is numb.” – Lesley M, HAHA!
  • Commercial Break
  • Oh the official world records dude has a british accent, how official.
  • So they have to kiss for 3 minutes and 15 seconds to break the record. That’s a long time to kiss on screen & in public.
  • I guess the record has stood for 10 years, can they do it?!
  • Here they go! Oh no, they are trying not to laugh.
  • “He’s starting to cop a feel now, this is getting more serious” Thanks Chris Harrison for the side comments.
  • Aaaand the romantic tunes start to play, this is dumb, this situation is not romantic.
  • 3 minute mark!!!!
  • They broke the record, big surprise. This will be weird for Sean’s future wife/girlfriend if its not Lesley M.

worldrecordkiss

  • Commercial Break
  • They are on top of the Roosevelt Hotel. Always on top of roofs for night dates.
  • Everyone on this show seems to have had the perfect childhood & their parents are still together and “madly in love”.
  • EW that slow motion shot of Sean’s tongue going into Lesley’s mouth was just, uhg.
  • Date card comes in back at the bitch mansion! Lot’s of bitches, 12 to be exact!
  • Aaand back on the rooftop confetti explodes while they are kissing on the rooftop. Was this planned? Like what if they didn’t kiss, would the confetti still explode? What if the date ended horribly? Does that ever happen?
  • Commercial Break
  • Group date time! They’re at the beach! Time for Shirtless Sean & skimpy, gaudy bikinis.
  • Kristy’s bandana is ridick.
  • Sean’s doing pushups with ladies on his back? Okay, so normal since all he really does is work out.

pushupsgif

  • Why is Chris Harrison not shirtless and in board shorts? I wish.
  • Competition time. UH OH. Bring out the claws! Volley ball tournament to continue on the date with Sean.
  • No one knows how to play volleyball. Especially Daniella.
  • Des serves to win! … Is Kristy crying?!

kristycrying

  • Six girls stay and six go home. Kristy is really upset, calm your tits, bitch.
  • Commercial
  • Wedding dress Lindsay is spilling her soul, awkwardly. KISS TIME. More awkward close ups of Sean’s tongue.

tongue

  • “When I fall in love, I give it my all” said every girl ever on The Bachelor.
  • BOOTY CLOSE UP on Des as well as Sean’s hand on her ASSets.

desASS

  • Tierra reads the date card and pulls a fast one on the bitches & reads two names instead of one. Leading to two upset bitchets.
  • I get she was trying to be silly, but this is a SERIOUS competition for true love. I mean come on, Tierra.
  • Des is listening in on Sean and Amanda’s alone time and begins to freak.
  • Kacie is a tattle tale! Of course there will be lady drama in a place where girls are fighting for the same man. Kacie, you’ve done this before, chill out!
  • Why is Kacie saying all this? Nothing is really going on.
  • “Why are you involving yourself” OHHHHH Sean you nailed it.
  • Tip 1: When you have alone time with Sean, NEVER talk about other girls or bitch mansion drama!
  • Wedding dress Lindsay gets the rose! HEYO.
  • Kacie is freaking out, CALM DOWN, seriously this is annoying.
  • Commercial
  • AshLee’s all ready for her one on one date Love her dress. Can someone buy that for me?

ashleedress

  • CRAAAAAAASH. Tierra fell down the stairs.
  • “As a guy who’s had several concussions…” Wait, seriously Sean?
  • Is Tierra really fighting the decision to go to the hospital? WHAT WAS THAT?

tierraneckbrace

  • Oh my gosh, now she’s laughing?! WUT? Poor AshLee. Is Tierra gonna get the rose from AshLee’s date?
  • I bet she just bruised her ass from falling, attention whore.
  • BUT SERIOUSLY. If you didn’t see this episode watch the stair fiasco:

  • Commercial
  • “I’m ready to move past Tierra’s fall” says AshLee, the professional OCD organizer HAHA
  • They shut down Six Flags to have it to themselves? Daaaayum, jealous.
  • …With a charity twist!

ashlee

  • Okay this is cute.
  • First private concert of this season! That’s probably the reason why I would want to be the Bachelorette, oh and to travel the world and go on awesome dates for free.
  • AshLee’s getting all sentimental recapping the day and talking about helping other people and shit.
  • Commercial
  • AshLee was adopted at 6 & was abused in a foster home! 😥 Okay, first contestant not from a perfect family.
  • Is Sean crying from hearing her story of meeting her adoptive family?! HE IS. Every woman across America is now crying because he is crying.
  • I wanna see a flaw in this man. Maybe his flaw is his blondness.
  • Hearing about how all these girls are falling in love is really painful. Most of them will be going home & will be upset for yeaaaaars. (Sorry, is that too pessimistic?)
  • Commercial
  • Cocktail Party! I JUST SAW A MOJITO. Give it to me.
  • Sean brought Leo, Sarah’s dog to the bitch mansion in a limo! HAHAA Soooo cute. Does he get to stay the whole time? I bet the girls would be more calm with a dog in the house that they could pet and play with.

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  • Tierra’s earrings, WTF! They are GIANT. Her ears must be in pain. Maybe they’ll fall off.
  • Des cuts in on Tierra’s time.  I feel a CAT FIGHT brewing!
  • “I wanted more time with him & I get what I want” – Tierra. Oh okay Ms. Bitchy Pants.
  • OMG now Lesley M is stealing Sean from Tierra! OH WOW. This is getting intense.
  • “Girls are being ruthless” -Sean. Well no shit, they all think you’re God.
  • All while Des is sitting waiting for him to come back.
  • Kacie apologizes for the other night & wants time to talk but now AshLee and Selma cut in. UH OH AWKWARD.
  • It seems no one got “enough” time with Sean. Everyone just talked at him, he did no talking. Shit’s getting real.
  • Commercial
  • Rose Ceremony!
  • WHOA. Before he gives the roses out, he needs to talk to Kacie. (and he takes a rose with him)
  • “We’re better off as friends.” – Sean

kacie

  • Bye Kacie! (um I sooooo called it)
  • One rose left… We know Des is getting it. She’s been in previews for more weeks.
  • Model Kristy & Taryn (who?) are going home. See ya later, bitches.

kristygoeshometaryn

Previews: They focus on Tierra quite a bit. OMG ROLLER DERBY, bitches gonna be getting hurt. I predict Jackie is going home next week & maybe Daniella. We don’t see enough of them.

Moral of the Episode: Don’t bitch about other bitches to DUDES. Oh and watch out for using too much tongue like Sean:

toomuchtongue

See you next week for some real live blogging!

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The Bachelor Episode 2: “Tacky hos are a dime a dozen” or “Tornado of Negativity”

and we begin with Sean pumping iron… again.

abssss

I hope every episode starts with Shirtless Sean being shirtless.

  • WHO GETS THE FIRST DATE?!!! —> Sarah! The one-armed hottie!
  • OHAI Helicopter… Sean is an angel descending from the sky, in a helicopter.
  • LOL @ all the girls covering their eyes from helicopter wind and hair blowing in the wind.
  • “My ability to love someone isn’t affected by how many hands I have.”
  • I love how much she talks about being one-armed.
  • Commercial Break
  • They are on a skyscraper now…
  • Oh so the first date is free-falling 300 ft just to drink champagne at the bottom, that’s totally normal.
  • SO MANY Go-Pros on their helmets!
  • Sean’s gonna be all manly and help Sarah face her fears… is this like a manly fantasy or what? This happens every season.
  • If that were me falling, I would be awkward and just not scream, then I probably wouldn’t get another rose.

seansarahbuilding

  • Commercial
  • She changed?! Were the producers holding onto her slinky black dress?
  • The sad music accompanies the story of her being denied zip lining because being “disabled”
  • OMG they keep cutting to close ups of her nonarm!
  • “I do consider myself a man” – Sean Lowe, 2013, Man of the year.
  • ANOTHER DATE CARD: Group date… with A LOT of bitches. 13 girls to be exact.
  • Sarah & Sean are in a fancy Moroccan canopy bed thing outside, WUT, and they are going one more place.
  • FIRST ROSE OF THE NIGHT GOES TO SARAH. hey girl hey.
  • FIRST KISS… “I feel like I’m falling in love with Sean” Ummmm, it’s only the first date, lady. Calm your panties.
  • Commercial
  • Group date time. Tierra is already reminding me of Courtney from Ben’s season. WATCH OUT!
  • Photo shoots for romance novel covers!
  • The model, Kristy, thinks she has this in the bag. “Homegirl’s a little excited to do a photo shoot” says the yogi.
  • Drama with Tierra, already, I’m not surprised. The pandora’s box of jealousy has been opened.
  • Lesley M is heating up the cowgirl shoot. UH OH, director of the shoot asks for them to kiss on the lips.
  • Tierra is freaking out and its showing… in her forehead. Looks at that tension, are those veins? Oh wait, maybe its a scar
  • Kristy the model is up… the other girls are saying “her scene was a hot scene.” SHE WON. Big woop.

seduced

  • Tierra is talking in third person, uh oh. She’s cray cray.
  • Commercial
  • Kacie’s hiding in the back, scared of a new set of girls.
  • Lesley M and Sean are hopeful for love together. She’s funny I like her.
  • “There’s a whole bunch of roses in the rose garden, just grab one.” -My Dad
  • Lesley M takes matters into her own hands and goes back to kiss Sean.
  • Uh oh, Kacie’s cute, but I think she’s in the friend zone in Sean’s brain. Oh & she just used that phrase, haha. OH and she has a wicked witch laugh.
  • Commercialzzzz
  • “Im vegan but I love the beef.” WHO’S DIS BITCH? … it’s Catherine, who might be the only girl who looks as young as she says she is.
  • Selma looks like she’s had work done, on her face.
  • Tierra is the mope queen. Queen of Mope. Distancing her from other bitchez.
  • Sean never stops smiling, I bet he would smile breaking up with a girl.
  • “Does she have more teeth than normal people?” -My Dad on Tierra
  • NEXT SOLO DATE GOES TO: Desiree “Call me Dez”
  • The yogi, Katie, is feeling weird, it feels unnatural. WELL LET ME TELL YOU, THIS SHOW IS UNNATURAL! Time to talk to Sean.
  • Bye bye yogi/crazy-hair Katie.

Katie

  • Kacie gets the rose… I don’t think she’s gonna win though.
  • Commercial Time
  • 1 on 1 date time with Desiree! PRANK TIME aka Punk’d Bachelor Edition
  • Sven is the artist, HAHA, great name.
  • This is kinda sad, are The Bachelor producers running out of ideas?
  • Desiree in the limo running her tongue along her teeth? Really editors, you guys didn’t have another shot of her?
  • All of her dresses have awesome backs!
  • “I am a bad person” – Sean. Yes, yes your are.
  • Commercial
  • Dinner time and the broccoli is huge! I guess they are trying to be all healthy and shit.

broccoli

  • Hand on the thigh, BOW CHICKA WOW WOW.
  • Jacuzzi time. OF COURSE HE’S WEARING RED, WHITE, & BLUE BOARD SHORTS.
  • “As a man I want to protect my wife.” – Sean the man.
  • Here we are rooting for Dez, but we all saw the preview where her boyfriend comes to town. Please don’t break Sean’s heart. All of America’s women will come after you.
  • Commercial
  • Rose Ceremony time!
  • Wedding Dress Lindsay is refraining from the champagne this time around.”My dad’s a general in the army” aka don’t break my heart, he will come after you.
  • Sean is in love with love. So he’s falling for everyone.
  • “Amanda’s not being responsive” Is she really not answering the other girls questions? WEIRDO.
  • Commercial
  • Amanda is the elephant in the room & I’m not saying she’s fat. I know I used that phrase incorrect, but you get what I’m saying.

Amanda

  • “The show is getting more culturally diverse” – Robyn, a hot black chick.
  • “Physically I don’t have a type.” Every girl in American swoons. Sean loves all women, because he loves love.
  • “Is she on the Shahs of Whatever?” -My Dad on Selma.
  • Robyn is pissed because Amanda is wearing the same color dress. HAHA jk. She’s pissed because Amanda’s being strange.
  • Amanda’s dress is like she has roses on her shoulders… Is that her good luck charm hoping to get a rose?
  • Commercial
  • Roses are being handed out. This is the time to look at all the sad girls’ faces.
  • TIERRA IS FREAKING. She just eye stabbed Jackie.

twofacedtierra

  • They keep cutting to Tierra, hahahha. We know she’s getting a rose though. YEP, there she goes. 3 roses left.
  • Taryn looks really old!
  • Amanda is the last to get a rose. EVERYONE is pissed. This was planned.
  • Bye Brooke! Your lipstick matches your dress.
  • The mother of two Diana goes home. Sorry, lady. “I wasn’t enough for him.” Getting denied sucks, but your odds aren’t that great, only one bitch wins.
  • At least Sean got a lotta kisses on this episode!

bachelorkisses

  • PREVIEWS: “She’s RUDE”. The accident happens next week where the paramedics come. YESSSS!

Moral of the Episode: Some advice from the lovely Amy Pohler

AmyPohler

No one reading my blog will end up dating Sean Lowe so listen to Amy.

Thanks for watching with me!

 

POST SHOW FUNNY: (From Sean Lowe’s twitter)

seanlowetwitter


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The Bachelor, Episode One, Two Hours of Pure Madness

Here we go…

  • I can’t wait to see all these girls cry.
  • OMG roller derby on this season, YESSSS. Can’t wait for that episode.
  • Sean Lowe is probably the most wholesome person… Is he really pumping iron in the intro?!

EXCLUSIVE: 'Bachelorette' contestant Sean Lowe strikes a pose in modelling photos from 2010

  • UH OH… memories of Emily. Will he be able to move on? Probably not.
  • “Don’t cry, you’ll be a winner” – My Dad
  • Okay, lets stop talking about Emily, ya dummy, she’s a real life Barbie with no personality.
  • OHHHH God has another plan for him… “Is God executive producer of The Bachelor?” – My Dad
  • OMG that play house is nicer than most people’s real houses.
  • Cheeeeeesy, Sean standing behind a rock while a wedding couple is having their photos taken in the background. COME ON.
  • Sean Lowe is sponsered by V-Necks.
  • Arie is back for kissing advice? Thank god. I hope they make out.
  • Commercial Break
  • Two losers drinking beers. Is it normal for dudes to be friends with guys who were in love with the same girl at the same time?
  • I wonder if they told Sean to wear a blue V-Neck to match his eyes.
  • Sean is “breaking up” with Arie… I hope Arie gets a rose.
  • “You’re kissing with your whole body” -Kissing advice from Arie… uhhhhhh what?

ariesean 11111

  • Where are the bitches? I’m ready for the bitches.
  • My dad is excited about the racial diversity this season.
  • I need to find a screen cap of Arie and Sean pretend making out.
  • Commercial Break
  • “HERE COME THE BITCHES” is what Chris Harrison really meant to say in his boring opening monologue
  • Desiree a bridal stylist…. WHAT THE HELL IS THE DRESS THEY SHOWED THE OTHER GIRL WEARING? SHE LOOKS LIKE A GYPSY. This girl looks too nice. All she wants is to get married & design her own wedding dress.
  • Tierra she’s had her heart broken twice… well here comes the third time. EW she’s psycho. She’s so boring they put a shot of her going up an escalator.
  • Robyn has her shit together, but dances barefoot. -Look at me, I’m flexible & can do backflips.
  • OMG THERE IS A MOM ON THE SHOW, her name doesn’t matter, she isn’t going to win.
  • Sarah HAS ONE ARM!!!!!!!!  Hottie with one arm. Check her out biking one armed! -I’m normal, I swear!
  • Man, all these girls are so into him with out even meeting him.
  • Some other bitch: “I have no idea why I’m still single” SHE’S A CAT LADY. SHE’S GONNA WIN. I HAVE FULL FAITH IN HER… Oh no, she is into 50 Shades of Grey. Nevermind.
  • Kristy, a model. DUMB. “Girls will be jealous of me” Shut up.
  • AshLee, spells her name like that, no joke. That’s all you need to know & she has undiagnosed OCD. SHE’S ALREADY CRYING! GTFO. Her dog is cute though.
  • Commercial Break
  • “The moment we’ve all been waiting for is finally here.” … 40 minutes into the show, thanks ABC.
  • “You are the bachelor” -Chris Harrison… OH SHIT, HE HAD NO IDEA.
  • Sean looks extra bronzed, ready to meet his ladies.
  • Girls squealing in the limo, when we can’t see them, weird.
  • First girl, it’s AshLee in a red dress. “I’m really happy it’s you” OH CHUT UP.
  • Jackie puts a kiss mark on Sean’s cheek, I bet he wants to smudge it off.
  • Selma pulls a tissue out of her boobs & washes off the kiss mark. THAT WAS PLANNED.
  • Daniella looks like she’s already trashed. She’s gonna be the Kesha of the show. Nice try being seductive.
  • Kelly is singing. I’m embarrassed for her & for Sean & for every other viewer.
  • Katie is doing yoga with him, I like her. & SHE’S BAREFOOT! You go girl.
  • Sparkly black dress girl made me feel uncomfortable.
  • Robyn eats shit doing back bends out of the limo… my Mom couldn’t handle it.

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  • Paige is a Jumbotron Operator & was on Bachelor Pad 3? I don’t remember her.
  • Tierra is a freak & is talking in a puppy voice, by puppy voice I mean the voice one uses to talk to puppies.
  • SEAN SAYS “Wait right here” WHERE IS HE GOING? PLEASE DON’T GIVE HER A ROSE IMMEDIATELY, DON’T BE DUMB.
  • Commercial Break
  • “Sean is what I’ve been wanting forever” – Tierra … shut up, girl. She is going to be the crazy bitch.
  • OH NO, SEAN GIVES HER A ROSE BASED ON HIS FIRST IMPRESSION. I bet the producers told him to do this, or he’s into baby voices and fake personalities, OH WAIT HE IS, HE FELL FOR EMILY.
  • “I hope this doesn’t create any tension among the girls.” – Sean. Yeah fucking right, here come the claws.
  • “Did she come in with that?” -some jealous bitch. HAHAHAHAHA.
  • Amanda, ANOTHER MODEL. Awkward moment, silent moment. Wasn’t awkward for Sean, but was awkward for all the viewers.
  • This girl is gonna guilt trip Sean into giving her a rose. “I drove 901238712895247875984932 miles to get to meet you”
  • I like Desiree’s dress. I really didn’t need to write this.
  • Sarah the one armed girl is here.
  • Football girl just wants to stare at his butt. WEIRDO.
  • The third Ashley is in a prom dress, woops wrong location.
  • “I would love to take you home & and feed you” Hansel and Gretel style.
  • NOOOOOOOOOO, a girl in a wedding dress just got out & she kissed him. SEND HER HOME. “I just wanted to show you my goofy side” You aren’t goofy, you are psycho.

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  • All 25 crazy girls are in the house.
  • SURPRISE TIME! … HERE COMES A CLIFFHANGER. ugh.
  • Commercial Break
  • Kacie B, the 26th bitch, is from Ben’s season. I don’t remember you, but I’m sure the other girls will remember her. Oh and my mom liked her I guess.
  • Let the shit talking commence.
  • Some girl doesn’t think it’s fair because “She had her chance with Ben, so why does she think it will work with Sean?” Maybe  because they are different people? I don’t know.
  • WHAT IS SEAN DRINKING? I WANT ONE.
  • Group scream, vomit. This is so awkward and cheesy.
  • Sean gives Kacie B his jacket while chatting. He wants to bone her already… THEY HUNG OUT RECENTLY?! Oh so they already boned & now she wants more. When she leaves he takes the jacket back, HA.
  • Crew dude just walked in the background, my dad is convinced it was a ghost. I have no idea what they are saying anymore. That moment was the best part of the show.
  • Recommendation: watch the show in slow motion, way more interesting. We re-wound to watch the crew dude walk by again.
  • OH CREW DUDE POSSIBLY BROUGHT THE ROSE. Oh its Desiree, wearing the dress I want.
  • Commercial Break
  • “Sooooo how did you get a rose?” -some bitch
  • New phrase “time to put our lady faces on”
  • Tip: wear a red dress, you’ll get a red rose.
  • Tierra needs to calm her crazy eyebrows (on the confession cam), I can’t handle it.
  • “Someone should tell him she isn’t Salma Hayek” – My Dad, I should just quote him the whole time.
  • No blondes with roses so far. He’s still scarred from Emily.
  • Wedding dress girl is feeling insecure. I WONDER WHY. “Honestly, I wish I was more sober right now” … she just won my heart. Oh my god, she’s so drunk. “I think I may have blew it” I do too.

406722_400150713396851_1374274786_n <— DRUUUUNK POSE

  • “Do we need me to start dancing?” said after chugging a drink, 50 shades girl is dancing all over, I’m a fan of the crazy bitches.

50shades

  • “I also brought a rape whistle in case I’m in trouble” -Sean. HAHAHAHA. I’m glad he has the rape whistle & tiny sense of humor. First funny thing he’s said all night.
  • 50 Shades fell.
  • WHAT ARE THEY FEEDING THESE GIRLS? They are all so drunk.
  • Idea: ABC should slip different drugs into the girls drinks to make it even more interesting, maybe they already do this o_O
  • More commercials
  • INSECURE SEGMENT
  • Taryn is crying, get yo’self some one on one time and shut up, bitch. She’s suicidal, I can tell. Call the hotline, get help!
  • “I don’t fight over a guy” – Taryn. Soooo have you ever watched The Bachelor before? What did you think you were signing up for?
  • “It’s easier to date a girl with two arms” says the one armed hottie. THIS IS SO SAD… BUT SHE GETS A ROSE. Ego boost for Sarah.
  • How is there even a rose ceremony when so many roses have already been given out?
  • “There should be black roses, you get a black rose and you have to leave immediately” -My Dad, who is funnier than me.
  • Commercials…
  • 7 Roses left…
  • “How does he know all their names?” -my Dad
  • Kacie got a rose! EYO the plot thickens.
  • Taryn got a rose without talking to Sean? That’s probably the route 50 shades and wedding dress should have gone with.
  • NVM, he chose wedding dress (the producers probably made him keep her)
  • Paige sucked on Bachelor Pad & now she failed on The Bachelor. Bummer City, population: Paige.
  • Is Sean Lowe related Rob Lowe?

Moral of the episode: It’s hard to be a girl & if you’re on The Bachelor don’t say “I’m glad its you” when you get out of the limo.

(I promise my next blog will be shorter)