Speculations and Spectacles

bitching about bitches … and other musings


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The Bachelorette Episode [WHO FUCKING KNOWS] aka Finale pt. 1

Surprise! I’m back!

This season has been so full of crazy crap, I apologize for not blogging the past few episodes, life has been a bit crazy for me lately. But not as crazy as it’s gonna get tonight for Des… LET THE MUTHAFUCKIN TEARS COMMENCE.

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  • So Brooks leaves tonight because he’s been in love with me the whole time… Just letting you all know.
  • Is this really the “television event of the summer” ???
  • Are they seriously recapping right now?
  • WTF, please stop.
  • Remembering the bad times: Bryden, James, Brandon lolz, JUAN PABLO (the next bachelor), Zak whatever
  • K, time to say good things about the three guys left.
  • Chris and Des have the right “ingredients” aka weird poetry connection, please no poetry tonight.
  • Drew needs to come out of the closet, FO REALS.
  • Gosh his abs are out of control.
  • “I feel closer to Drew than ever” UM… the dumbest statement
  • BROOKS ❤ The only one who hasn’t told Des that he loves her.
  • Ummm Des, you should definitely be a little worried he hasn’t said I love you.
  • Commercial
  • Betty’s Hope LAWL
  • Drew has to pull over to kiss Des. Too cheesy or romantic?
  • “Silent Strength” Drew… Okay Des, what the hell does that mean?
  • Oh yeah, this party would totally be happening if Drew and Des weren’t there… NOT
  • LIMBO!
  • I want to go visit the bamboo man in Antigua so I can get myself a bamboo heart.
  • This show would be so much less dramatic if there were no background music… think about it.
  • Commercial
  • Oh they iz kissin in da rain
  • All they do is kiss, whatevs
  • No more dinner on the beach 😦
  • LAWL they are already in the fantasy suite, she should have given it to him before going inside.
  • only 9 weeks ago they met! AYYY CRAY CRAY.
  • Did they forget to eat? Are they just gonna get straight to boning?
  • This is sad because Drew is saying such sweet things and we know Des isn’t feeling the same way.
  • She’s just flattered by all his schtuff
  • Commercial
  • BROOKS TIME, ARE YOU READY FOR THE SHIT TO HIT THE FAN.
  • I have the option to say I’m in love with Desiree or I’m not… okay, Brooks.
  • This is weird, Brooks goes back to see his family before he leaves for Antigua.
  • “I want to be in love” -Brooks, uh oh.
  • It’s because he is in love with me, duh.
  • Lets say all these great things about Des, then go break her heart. She’s probably bawling at home right now hearing all this.
  • No, Brooks, she’s in love with you. You’re the one that isn’t ready.
  • BUT SERIOUSLY HOW CAN YOU BE IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE AFTER ONLY 9 WEEKS AND ONLY LIKE 2-3 ONE ON ONE DATES. LIKE SERIOUSLY.
  • Commercial
  • WTF IS DES WEARING? DOES SHE THINK SHE IS A HIPPY?!
  • You are not in the 70s, Des.
  • LAWL they just got hit by that giant wave!
  • OOH HELICOPTER DATE
  • Omg the ocean looks like a video game (aka fake)
  • OKAY so both Drew and Chris  “know” Des is also in love with them. Even though she is really only in love with Brooks, who is gonna break her heart. GREAT.
  • GIVE CHRIS SOME SUNGLASSES!
  • So squinty.
  • I WANT THEIR CUPS.
  • (Sorry, I’m full of caps lock tonight)
  • TYPICAL BACHELOR/BACHELORETTE LAYING IN THE WAVES KISSING SHOT.
  • Commercial
  • Gosh, this season is full of such dumb colorful clothes.
  • ARE THERE WIND CHIMES? BIRDS? WTF IS THAT NOISE?!
  • Also, what is this music? 80s crime music? HAHA
  • Chris is so stoked Des said she is open to moving to Seattle.
  • That weird noise in the background is bugging me so much, I can’t focus on what they are saying.
  • BLAH POETRY TIME.
  • What is this song they keep playing “I will offer you love and affection” I’m pretty sure they played this another time with Chris. Have they played it with any other guys?
  • “You and I against the world” no.
  • Commercial
  • UH OH, HERE COME THE TEARZ.
  • Chris Harrison is visiting Brooks, here comes some awful news.
  • Chris Harrison looks like he is getting broken up with during this conversation.
  • Brooks, you’re the first normal person on the Bachelorette, who isn’t ready to propose after 9 weeks.
  • “Are you not sure? or are you not in love with this girl?” HMMMMMMM
  • Brooks’s eyes are so puffy, has he already been crying?
  • BROOKS- NEXT BACHELOR?
  • Where do I sign up? Jk, I’ve seen the ads before commercial breaks 😉
  • AW, he is so bummed about her not being the one & being the one to break her heart.
  • Commercial
  • Brooks is crying pre Des showing up. AWWWW.
  • OH GOD, THIS IS SO PAINFUL WATCHING DES TALK ABOUT BROOKS.
  • ***cringing so hard right now***
  • OH MAN OH MAN OH MAN
  • Brooks, please try to say a real sentence.
  • There you go.
  • “I want to be madly in love with you” ——> WATERFALL OF TEARZ
  • omg this is like the saddest thing I’ve seen on the Bachelor/Bachelorette
  • HAHAHA they are both gonna sit with their head in their hands and cry next to each other.
  • “Jump in the water, cannon ball, and swim away. How cool would that be?” -My Dad
  • BLAAAAAH, SHE JUST SAID I LOVE YOU
  • …and then the music starts
  • Commercial
  • Back the this painful situation. I wonder how long they sat there for.
  • Screw you, Wind, for making this difficult to hear.
  • 😥
  • GAAAAAAH
  • Commercial
  • Finally leaving the mini pier dock thing.
  • If she actually picks Drew or Chris after this, they are gonna see all of this on tv now. Then what?
  • PFFFFFT HEART BEAT, LAME.
  • One sided hug goodbye.
  • He just cry spit.
  • Brooks is so confused.
  • Who cried more? Des or Brooks?
  • YIKES.
  • So now is she going to end things with Chris and Drew?! MORE TEARS NEXT WEEK?!
  • BREAK UPS ALL AROUND!
  • Bring your tissues!


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She’s Just Being Miley… right? Sorry I’m not sorry for partying?

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Okay, so what’s up with Miley Cyrus’s new music video?

(Surprise! I’m blogging about something other than The Bachelor[ette])

I mean seriously!  It’s like a Terry Richardson and Tyler Shields made a video love child, an awkward, tacky, horrible love child… ( For the record, I don’t think either of them had anything to do with this video) This video consists of every dumb high school party photo pose, as well as Miley acting like a wannabe black chick combined with a rap gangster.

She’s obviously obsessed with her butt, she has posted pictures & videos of her behind previously and honestly, I think we see her booty more than her face in this new video.

I love awkward things/moments/etc but this video is TOO awkward even for me.

I’m gonna try something here, I’m gonna write a live a response to the video as I watch it and see what happens, let me know if you like it or not:

  • “We Can’t Stop” in giant yellow lettering: hipster beginning found in many music videos now.

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(JUST NOW NOTICED THE SCISSORS CUTTING THE ANKLE MONITOR, stop trying to be Lindsay Lohan)

  • Pink BEATS by Dre speaker, blinged out hand… aiiight Miley.
  • Oh god, popping in two gold teeth?! Is that a grill? WTF is that? (we are only 10 seconds into this damn video)

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(why, the faces?!)

  • Smoke coming out of some chick’s crotch. SO COOL, not.
  • Okay, I would like to roast marshmallows from candles.

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  • OHAI BOOTY SHOT

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  • When did Miley get all these tats?!

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(I can count!)

  • Oh cool, some dude eating a sandwich of money. Thanks for rubbing it in that I am poor. PS- you probably have diseases now, money ain’t clean, fool!

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($HUNEDDS, HUNNEDS? OKAY, HUNDREDS$)

  • I HAVE THAT LIP GLOSS… PRODUCT PLACEMENT.

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  • I’m seriously interested if sales are gonna spike for eos now.
  • Keep you’re fucking tongue in your mouth, Miley. Stop making weird faces.
  • Did that guy have two tongues?!

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  • Booty shaking with projections on yer bod, um okay

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  • and now booty slapping.
  • lots of weird shit, and now Dancing giants teddy bears?

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  • More booty moves in a bath tub? Is that a bath tub? or just a box?

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  • Gyrating with yo legs spread, you’re a classy beezy, Miley.

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  • Twerk spelled in ravioli on the spoon = Best part.

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  • OMG more booty shaking, Miley is the only white chick.

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(PUT THAT TONGUE BACK IN YOUR MOUTH)

  • It’s like she’s a reputable booty shaker since she’s with her black lady friends.
  • Best lyrics are right here: “To my homegirls here with the big butts/Shaking it like we at a strip club/Remember only God can judge us/Forget the haters cause somebody loves ya” … So what she’s saying is be a stripper, or at least act like one, because God loves you.
  • PS- I might be a hater, woops, I think God still loves me too though.

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(#1 white booty award goes to MILEY, she wishes)

  • Hm taxidermy, awkward.
  • OH and now a GIANT fur coat.

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(I’m calling PETA)

  • Clever coke reference here: “everyone in line in the bathroom/Trying to get a line in the bathroom”
  • Oh Miley, you bad!
  • Why is she kissing her mini-me Barbie?

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  • HIPSTER PARTY

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  • More crotch smoke, fun, so fun. (I hope you can sense my sarcasm)
  • MMM lots of bread, that boy def ain’t gluten free!

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  • What are these weird faces she keeps making? It’s like tongue out or bearing her teeth 24/7.

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  • What are these awkward but sexual moves, Miley?
  • On a scale of 1 to Uncomfortable… I’m EXTREMELY uncomfortable.
  • Booty grab with the black franzzz

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  • Gosh, this is WAY too easy to make fun of.

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  • Sun’s out tongues out. Miley’s motto, even when the sun isn’t out.

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  • High school party pose: (Every girl and possibly guy has done this at least once)

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  • More tongue, just what the doctor ordered

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  • Did her head just get stepped on? (3:02)
  • She just kissed a passed out dude’s stomach… RAPE

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  • Some more gyrating on what appears to be grandma’s bed, or at least grandma’s sheets.

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  • Oh and we end with these odd moment where we feel as if we are taking her picture because she keeps making fucking weird faces.

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(Make it stop, oh yes it finally does.)

Alright Miley, my advice: leave the partying music videos to Ke$ha. The song is sort-of catchy though.

aaand I freaking love the gifs people are posting on tumblr with the Disney logo, HAHAHA:

Disneygyrating

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Watch the entire music video here:


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The Bachelor Episode 7: “I’m falling in love with you” and the moment everyone has been waiting for

Sorry this is late, but here it is!

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  • From this preview this is gonna be an episode FULL of tears!
  • Sea plane! to Saint Croix (Did I spell that right?)
  • Is Sean part of the welcome crew? “WELCOME TO ST. CROIX” the land of virgins, or born-again virgins, or is it just the Virgin Islands?
  • AshLee wants a 1 on 1… Why did they put her in the sun, she is squinting real bad.
  • Tierra got her own pull away bed?! HAHA “I don’t like girls that like my boyfriend” She has said this before.
  • “The cougars back in town” -Tierra … OHNOSHEISN’T she’s hating on AshLee for being 32.
  • OH I didn’t know two girls are going home this week. DUN DUN DUN.
  • OOOH swimming out to their private catamaran.
  • You can tell AshLee is head over heels for Sean. She is way too serious.
  • “I want to roll away her roll away into the freakin ocean” – Lesley HAHA
  • So Sean asks about the drama in the house and then AshLee vents it ALLLLL. UH OH.
  • He believes her! WOW, didn’t see that one coming.
  • I think AshLee is going to be the next Bachelorette.
  • You hear her say all these great things about him, but he hasn’t said much.
  • Commercial
  • OMG Tierra gets the 1 on 1 and she’s complaining about bugs her make-up dripping off and being sweaty?!
  • AshLee thats a GIANT wine glass! DAYUM!
  • AshLee’s got a secret to tell, EYO, I’m excited. I hope she says she used to be a man. She’s so pretty that would be incredible, but I’m guessing she was married before?
  • “15 years ago…” HERE IS COMES! I CALLED IT, SHE GOT MARRIED WHEN SHE WAS 17!
  • “So you were a married high school junior?” -Sean HAHAHA
  • Is this really a big deal? It was 15 years ago!
  • HE STILL LIKES HER, didn’t see that one coming *sarcasm*
  • The cliche yelling alone into the darkness. WEIRD.

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  • OH NO, she said she loves him. She yelled she loves him.

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  • “I could easily fall in love with AshLee” … but he isn’t yet and didn’t say “I love you” back.
  • Commercial
  • Here comes Tierra’s first 1 on 1 date!
  • They are shopping together, derp.
  • A parade starts happening, sure, just out of the blue.

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  • Of course Tierra is being fun and cute the entire date.

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  • Question time… INTERROGATE HER, SEAN!
  • She is so delusional, the other girls have been pissed off since the first rose?! UM what?
  • Commercial
  • “This is our sugar mill” OH OKAY
  • I like her blue necklace!

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  • DATE CARD BACK AT THE HIZZZOUSE. Catherine, Lindsay, and Des get a group date.
  • Gosh Tierra is so annoying.
  • “I’m falling in love with you” ALL DA BITCHES BE SAYING THIS.
  • Commercial
  • 4:42AM?! Sean waking up the ladies?
  • Is he really taking their photos with out makeup on? HAHA
  • Catherine’s photo is hilarious

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  • First people in America to see the sunrise! Fun, if you’re into that.

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  • Is that the same sugar mill he was at with Tierra? Sketchy
  • What were those fruit stars in their drinks?! COOL!

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  • Tree house?! Pretty cool.
  • How awkward watching Sean just hanging out with just one girl and waiting for your turn.

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  • Who will get the rose on this date?
  • Sean sitting on Catherine’s shoulders in the water, hahaha!

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  • Sean is always bringing up how crazy Wedding Dress Lindsay was the first night!
  • Catherine explains why her dad won’t be there if Sean goes to her hometown date. Suicidal, depression dad. WOMP WOMP 😥
  • Tear jerkers get roses… we shall see.
  • OMG Tierra hears AshLee and Lesley talking!
  • Des is crying talking about her family, CHEESY!

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  • “I do want to settle down, and to have everything that they had” -Des (or also on this week’s Girls HBO episode)
  • ROSE. ROSE. ROSE. ROSE!
  • Wedding Dress Lindsay got the rose! Guaranteed hometown date yo!
  • Commercial
  • “Our relationship is not where it needs to be at this point” -Sean on Lesley
  • Fruit picking and chatting!

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  • “I do want to tell him I’m falling in love with him” … this is the 3rd time I’ve heard this on this episode!
  • Sean looks super freckly this episode.
  • OH “It didn’t feel right to tell him today”
  • This date is awkward
  • “I like how you smile with your eyes at me” -Lesley, sounding like Tyra Banks
  • Sean’s sister is in town!
  • “I can see myself being possibly married to any of them” -Sean
  • Tierra confronts AshLee and her eyebrows are off the charts.

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  • “I’m a 24 year old woman and you’re 32!” Uhhh okay.
  • “Men love me!” -Tierra, OH OKAY, Tierra.
  • Tierra is psycho.
  • “I CAN’T CONTROL MY EYEBROW!” -Tierra, best line of the season!

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  • Commercial
  • Tierra is crying when Sean shows up to bring him to meet his sister.

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  • I wonder what Tierra is thinking re-watching these episodes.
  • So many tears have come out of this bitch this season
  • Is Sean’s face red? Sun burn?
  • Is Sean’s sister going to inspire him to send her home?!!?
  • Commercial
  • “I’m crazy about you…BUT… it may be best for you to go home now.” Does that mean go home for good, or until the hometown date? I’m confused. Who says they are crazy about someone then sends them home?
  • “Do you want to say goodbye to the girls?” “No” HAHAHA of course not
  • “This is the best walk of shame ever” – My Dad
  • BYE BYE TIERRA!

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  • Is she really blaming the other girls?!

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  • He better not bring her back… why are there previews of other girls crying
  • Commercial
  • “So she’s older than he is? She’s going home” – My Dad on AshLee
  • There’s cocktail party?! YIKES
  • AshLee tries to explain herself to the other girls.
  • This music is way too dramatic
  • Of course Des gets a rose, that thing with her boyfriend or some dude still has to happen.
  • Okay so its down to AshLee and Lesley… who is going to get a rose.
  • AW BYE BYE LESLEY. 😦
  • AshLee is WAY TOO SERIOUS ABOUT ALL DIS! It’s scaring me.

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  • Whoa, Catherine is freaking out.

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(Later on Twitter)

  • Next week previews: OH so Des’s brother freaks out on Sean? and Catherine’s sisters don’t like him?! WHAT WILL HAPPEN. These episodes are getting more boring each week.

See you next week! Sorry this is a late post!