Speculations and Spectacles

bitching about bitches … and other musings


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The Bachelorette Episode [WHO FUCKING KNOWS] aka Finale pt. 1

Surprise! I’m back!

This season has been so full of crazy crap, I apologize for not blogging the past few episodes, life has been a bit crazy for me lately. But not as crazy as it’s gonna get tonight for Des… LET THE MUTHAFUCKIN TEARS COMMENCE.

right meow

  • So Brooks leaves tonight because he’s been in love with me the whole time… Just letting you all know.
  • Is this really the “television event of the summer” ???
  • Are they seriously recapping right now?
  • WTF, please stop.
  • Remembering the bad times: Bryden, James, Brandon lolz, JUAN PABLO (the next bachelor), Zak whatever
  • K, time to say good things about the three guys left.
  • Chris and Des have the right “ingredients” aka weird poetry connection, please no poetry tonight.
  • Drew needs to come out of the closet, FO REALS.
  • Gosh his abs are out of control.
  • “I feel closer to Drew than ever” UM… the dumbest statement
  • BROOKS ❤ The only one who hasn’t told Des that he loves her.
  • Ummm Des, you should definitely be a little worried he hasn’t said I love you.
  • Commercial
  • Betty’s Hope LAWL
  • Drew has to pull over to kiss Des. Too cheesy or romantic?
  • “Silent Strength” Drew… Okay Des, what the hell does that mean?
  • Oh yeah, this party would totally be happening if Drew and Des weren’t there… NOT
  • LIMBO!
  • I want to go visit the bamboo man in Antigua so I can get myself a bamboo heart.
  • This show would be so much less dramatic if there were no background music… think about it.
  • Commercial
  • Oh they iz kissin in da rain
  • All they do is kiss, whatevs
  • No more dinner on the beach 😦
  • LAWL they are already in the fantasy suite, she should have given it to him before going inside.
  • only 9 weeks ago they met! AYYY CRAY CRAY.
  • Did they forget to eat? Are they just gonna get straight to boning?
  • This is sad because Drew is saying such sweet things and we know Des isn’t feeling the same way.
  • She’s just flattered by all his schtuff
  • Commercial
  • BROOKS TIME, ARE YOU READY FOR THE SHIT TO HIT THE FAN.
  • I have the option to say I’m in love with Desiree or I’m not… okay, Brooks.
  • This is weird, Brooks goes back to see his family before he leaves for Antigua.
  • “I want to be in love” -Brooks, uh oh.
  • It’s because he is in love with me, duh.
  • Lets say all these great things about Des, then go break her heart. She’s probably bawling at home right now hearing all this.
  • No, Brooks, she’s in love with you. You’re the one that isn’t ready.
  • BUT SERIOUSLY HOW CAN YOU BE IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE AFTER ONLY 9 WEEKS AND ONLY LIKE 2-3 ONE ON ONE DATES. LIKE SERIOUSLY.
  • Commercial
  • WTF IS DES WEARING? DOES SHE THINK SHE IS A HIPPY?!
  • You are not in the 70s, Des.
  • LAWL they just got hit by that giant wave!
  • OOH HELICOPTER DATE
  • Omg the ocean looks like a video game (aka fake)
  • OKAY so both Drew and Chris  “know” Des is also in love with them. Even though she is really only in love with Brooks, who is gonna break her heart. GREAT.
  • GIVE CHRIS SOME SUNGLASSES!
  • So squinty.
  • I WANT THEIR CUPS.
  • (Sorry, I’m full of caps lock tonight)
  • TYPICAL BACHELOR/BACHELORETTE LAYING IN THE WAVES KISSING SHOT.
  • Commercial
  • Gosh, this season is full of such dumb colorful clothes.
  • ARE THERE WIND CHIMES? BIRDS? WTF IS THAT NOISE?!
  • Also, what is this music? 80s crime music? HAHA
  • Chris is so stoked Des said she is open to moving to Seattle.
  • That weird noise in the background is bugging me so much, I can’t focus on what they are saying.
  • BLAH POETRY TIME.
  • What is this song they keep playing “I will offer you love and affection” I’m pretty sure they played this another time with Chris. Have they played it with any other guys?
  • “You and I against the world” no.
  • Commercial
  • UH OH, HERE COME THE TEARZ.
  • Chris Harrison is visiting Brooks, here comes some awful news.
  • Chris Harrison looks like he is getting broken up with during this conversation.
  • Brooks, you’re the first normal person on the Bachelorette, who isn’t ready to propose after 9 weeks.
  • “Are you not sure? or are you not in love with this girl?” HMMMMMMM
  • Brooks’s eyes are so puffy, has he already been crying?
  • BROOKS- NEXT BACHELOR?
  • Where do I sign up? Jk, I’ve seen the ads before commercial breaks 😉
  • AW, he is so bummed about her not being the one & being the one to break her heart.
  • Commercial
  • Brooks is crying pre Des showing up. AWWWW.
  • OH GOD, THIS IS SO PAINFUL WATCHING DES TALK ABOUT BROOKS.
  • ***cringing so hard right now***
  • OH MAN OH MAN OH MAN
  • Brooks, please try to say a real sentence.
  • There you go.
  • “I want to be madly in love with you” ——> WATERFALL OF TEARZ
  • omg this is like the saddest thing I’ve seen on the Bachelor/Bachelorette
  • HAHAHA they are both gonna sit with their head in their hands and cry next to each other.
  • “Jump in the water, cannon ball, and swim away. How cool would that be?” -My Dad
  • BLAAAAAH, SHE JUST SAID I LOVE YOU
  • …and then the music starts
  • Commercial
  • Back the this painful situation. I wonder how long they sat there for.
  • Screw you, Wind, for making this difficult to hear.
  • 😥
  • GAAAAAAH
  • Commercial
  • Finally leaving the mini pier dock thing.
  • If she actually picks Drew or Chris after this, they are gonna see all of this on tv now. Then what?
  • PFFFFFT HEART BEAT, LAME.
  • One sided hug goodbye.
  • He just cry spit.
  • Brooks is so confused.
  • Who cried more? Des or Brooks?
  • YIKES.
  • So now is she going to end things with Chris and Drew?! MORE TEARS NEXT WEEK?!
  • BREAK UPS ALL AROUND!
  • Bring your tissues!
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The Bachelorette Episode 4: Mr. America, Man Freak Outs/Man Tears, & Jan & Manny

TONIGHT: Atlantic City, PLANES, “I’m on cloud 9”, Hurricanes :(, SHIRTLESS MEN!!! … Bryden hates Ben.

BrydenhatesBen

  • God, this opening music is so cheesy. Acoustic guitar strumming DERP
  • Chris Harrison’s shirt matches the walls… WHY IS EVERYTHING ELECTRIC BLUE? The candles on the table too!
  • “Nice chance to get to know Des on a totally different level” -Ben … the Atlantic City level?
  • Zak W jumps on a bed in the Atlantic City house and is annoying as usual. (Sorry I’m not sorry for being a hater)
  • Brad Who? gets a one on one date. Ohhh yeah he’s a dad just like Ben.
  • CHOCOLATE! nom nom nom let’s shove it in each other’s faces.
  • Why is everyone hating on Brad so much? This manly competition is a little too soap opera for me.
  • Commercial
  • Sand Castle Seat time! BALLER… I would just want to destroy it, hahaha

SandcastleBrad

  • Group date for a bunch of bros coming up!
  • Awww this conversation on this dinner date is a little awkward with Brad :/
  • UH OH… Brad isn’t getting a rose.
  • Bye bye Brad Who?
  • Brad walks down the spiral staircases forever… and ever…
  • HE’S CRYING, AWWWW NOOOOOO 😥
  • & Des is still at the top of the light house, hahaha!
  • Commercial
  • GROUP DIZZZATE TIME!
  • Zak W jumps in for the first hug, he’s weird, go home.
  • OMG Brooks just compared Des to a mystical unicorn, yes, I love him.
  • Miss America? … which means Mr. America pageant is happening!
  • Michael G dreamed of becoming Mr. America as a kid, I’m dead, so hilarious.

MichaelGMrAmerica

  • The guys need to go to the prop table and find their talent… Juan Pablo can do the baton?! HAHAHA
  • Zak W has no talent, but grabbed the guitar?
  • Chris is in heels!

ChrisinHeels

  • Ben tries to jump through the ribbon he is spinning.
  • Drew is practicing Shakespeare!
  • OOH bathing suit part of the competition, I see a few speedos in there!

BenSpeedo

  • OH MY…  the pageant is in front of a live audience, of course bros!
  • Commercial
  • Was that someone putting lotion on Mikey?!
  • Luscious Locks Brooks is nervous, awwww!
  • Starting with the interview portion!
  • Kasey goes up first!
  • Brooks would be a lion in the wild, he has the mane part down.
  • Aw Chris, the more we see him, the more I like him!
  • Juan Pablo is never taken seriously.
  • OMG MIKEY WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
  • “I’m tired of being a piece of meat, I want to get across that I am sensitive” – Mikey

MikeyPieceofMeat

  • #Kasey is a tapping machine

KaseyTapdancing

  • Mikey said he wasn’t a piece of meat but now he is doing hand stand push ups?

MikeyBeingaMeathead

  • OMG Brooks, what?!
  • BEN, What?! Ribbon dancer with an O face? …OH NO.

BenRibbonDancing

  • Bryden is pelvic thrusting… I guess that is a talent?
  • Zak W actually can sort of sing and play the guitar, plus one point for him.

ZakWwhat

  • Now Mikey is flexing his chest muscles, really you aren’t a piece of meat? Hahahaha

MikeyBeingameathead2

  • Oh Brooks, I love you so much.

Brooksswimsuit

  • Who knew Drew was so ripped?!

WHOADREW

  • Love the swimsuit portion of the competition!

Brydenswimsuit

  • Now for the winners: 3rd place- Brooks (princess wave!), 2nd place- Zak W 1st place- Kasey!!!
  • AWWWW I loved this little competition

theguyssuits

  • HOLY CRAP WHAT IS COMING UP?! BRYDEN IS UPSET!
  • Commercial
  • Chris is opening up to Des about writing poetry & reads it to her… (the sound is so awful)
  • Now Bryden is going on a hate rampage about Ben.
  • OHHH Ben sits right in front of the other dudes with Des for one on one time.

Bensittinginfrontofdudes

  • HA! That shot of Ben sitting all alone, the producers had to of asked for that, right?!
  • James is back at the house in a robe drinking wine alone! HAHAHA, Love it!
  • Uh oh Zak W wants to finish the song from the competition he wasn’t able to finish, a little awkward, she doesn’t look very into it :/
  • Zak W really REALLY really wants the rose.
  • Bryden didn’t get any time?! 😦
  • Zak W actually did get the rose, I really don’t think he’ll stick around much longer though.
  • Commercial
  • James gets his one on one date now… WHAT IS ZAK W WEARING? go home.
  • James & Des are going to see what Hurricane Sandy did to the Jersey Shore.
  • How sad!
  • The windows are all fogged in the helicopter, how can they see out? Oh now we see someone rubbing it clean, hahaa
  • Woah, the boardwalk is gone & the roller coaster in the water 😦
  • Commercial
  • They are meeting a couple who are in the process of rebuilding… here we go generic Bachelor sad music.
  • Aw the couple spent their anniversary in the Red Cross Shelter during the hurricane!
  • Des & James give the couple their fancy date ABC had planned for the show… I’m sure this was planned, but it’s really nice!
  • Commercial
  • It would be funny if the camera crew only followed the Jersey couple and not Des & James, hahaha!
  • It’s almost awkward they sent a camera crew with them! Let them be!
  • Des and James seem really into each other… uh oh James is confessing something, dun dun dun
  • HE CHEATED ON HIS EX… his freshman year in college (I mean, come on)
  • It’s still cheating, but so many changes happen in that transition period and he was sorry about it, “It broke his heart” … He wouldn’t have admitted it if he wasn’t making a point that he’s changed.
  • AW ABC RECREATED THEIR WEDDING ALBUM.
  • Commercial
  • “Why isn’t The Situation on this show? He’s from the Jersey Shore” -my Dad
  • OMG their old photos!
  • Des and James come back to meet up with Manny & Jan
  • Manny & Jan get a private concert!
  • Screw the rest of this season, lets just follow Manny & Jan & give them all the dates/trips planned.
  • Manny’s got some hip swinging moves 😉
  • … What is James didn’t get a rose, HAHAHA
  • Don’t worry, he got a rose
  • and SURPRISE! James and Des still get to enjoy the concert
  • This date was definitely a huge step forward for their relationship
  • I can’t wait to see Bryden’s freak out!
  • Commercial
  • Bryden is having some issues with his feelings, dun dun dun.
  • I don’t blame him, he didn’t even get to talk to her at the group date!
  • Michael G is getting some one on one time during the cocktail party
  • … What is this, he is telling her why he likes her to her spelling of her name and his last name initial
  • OH NO, that kiss was awkward.
  • Bryden is having a quarter show crisis!
  • Chris and Des talking about friends, uh oh… nope not in the friend zone. That was a cute moment! But seriously Des, figure out what you’re saying because I was thinking the same thing as Chris!

chrisfriendkisschrisfriendzone

  • Bryden is losing his romantic feelings?! What is going on?
  • THEY ARE TALKING
  • So glad he pushed his hair to the side
  • Okay… seems like he is staying?
  • Commercial
  • What is that spinning rose outside?! COOL
  • 1 bro going home tonight
  • The guy I can’t remember his name is my prediction for going home
  • Hopefully she gives Bryden the first rose.
  • Oh Chris is okay too, he’s great.
  • Why is she keeping Bryden for the end? This is dumb and dramatic.
  • Bryden… long pause- BUT HE STILL ACCEPTS THE ROSE.
  • Mikey better be staying he is great, & I can’t remember the other dudes name.
  • DUH!
  • THE OTHER ZACK, HOW DID I FORGET HIS NAME. Because both Za(c)k’s should have gone home!
  • Bryden is being moody and weird still, what are those glances?!
  • OMG ZACK IS CRYING TOO! Two cryers this episode
  • They are heading to Munich, Germany!!!
  • PREVIEWS: SNOW! Chris & Brooks taking the friggen lead. Now no one likes James or Ben?! WHAT!!?? Des crying? Michael G in a limo? going home? upset? WHAAAAT?
  • “Today is Armageddon”  YES

PS- the credits are really great this season:

zakWcredits

Brookscredits


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The Bachelorette Season Premiere!

BACK ROW: BRAD, ROBERT, KASEY, BROOKS, WILL, BEN, JUAN PABLO, MIKE R., BRIAN, CHRIS, JONATHAN;MIDDLE ROW: DAN, BRYDEN, ZAK, DREW, MICHAEL, ZACH, NICK M., BRANDON;FRONT ROW: DIOGO, MICAH, LARRY, DESIREE HARTSOCK, MIKEY T., JAMES, NICK R.

Oh the places they’ll go! Oh the tears that will be shed! Oh the handsome pissed off men! Oh the abs!

FIGHTS! Des crying! I love this preview of the season.

Let’s try and remember these faces in the preview for when they get out of the limos…

  • What’s this silver normal looking car pulling up? OHAI Des!
  • It’s Chris Harrison ❤
  • Des’s bangs are gone, she looks… older? More profesh?
  • BABY DES PHOTO! AW!
  • Can I be the bachelorette? I could live in that mini mansion 😉
  • Get out of the tub, Des, there is more to see.
  • OMG she’s already crying?! Geez
  • Flashback to Sean, the good memories & the bad.
  • “I still have a positive outlook” said while crying… convincing, Des.
  • She looks like a laker girl.
  • WHAT?! A LIGHT BLUE BENTLEY? Now she is Barbie’s BFF Teresa. That car is not real.
  • “I just want happiness and love” HAHA
  • What is this roller blading bit?! Awkward.
  • This background song is too much for me. “Isn’t she crazy beautiful…”
  • LET’S MEET THE MEN
  • Commercial
  • First we gotta chat with Chris, which I could do for hours and still be happy.
  • “I feel like Cinderella and I’m in that white dress” Uh, no you’re in a green shirt, are you delusional?
  • Everything Des says is so general. “When I truly love, I give it all” “I do want to settle down” “I want a man
  • Yes, you are getting emotional. Stop lying. Chris sees it and we see it too.
  • OMG MORE TEARS, yesssss.
  • Look at that silver dress! She’s like a statue.

1 DesinSILVER

  • Commercial
  • We know who you are Chris Harrison, you silly goose.
  • Yeah, hopefully there is romance, otherwise there is no show!
  • Bryden from Missoula?! That’s a weird city name and a weird human name.
  • He has a german shepherd, so I approve.
  • Chicago bro aka Will the banker who does Bikram yoga “It’s massively sweaty” I’m stealing this phrase.

willDAbanker

  • Drew from Scottsdale, wooooo! What a cutie, I’ve been to Scottsdale, why didn’t I meet him?! I have a good feeling about this guy.
  • Nick R the tailor/magician. HAHA!
  • Zak is tan and has crazy eyes & is shirtless… & in his underwear/naked???

zakwwhynaked

  • THE MAN BEHIND SIGN SPINNING, YESSSSSSSS. Holla to you. This guy is cute, I forgot his name though.
  • A dentist, sketchy. BUT HE WAS BORN IN LONDON BUT LOST HIS ACCENT 😦 This dude has Edward from Twilight hair.
  • Adrenaline junkie, he loves “Being outside-all-day-long”… from Costa Mesa! OC REPRESENT! He has a sob story, hell yeah. “Attitude is everything.” He looks a little sunburnt.
  • Commercial
  • READY FOR THE DUDES, fo real.

desandchris

(Best Picture, Obviously)

  • Is her dress okay on the watered down driveway?
  • FIRST LIMO! Who will be the first bro?!
  • Drew from Scottsdale, yum.
  • Next is Brooks, I like his long hair & remember him from the beginning trailer.
  • Wishbone guy, kinda cute idea.
  • Bryden, why so serious?
  • Michael… is looking for Des’s penny from last season. OH MY. HERPY DERP.
  • Get out of the fountain, this is just embarrasing

MichaelLOokingforCOin

  • Limo numba two! Kasey, what is up with your hair? OMG social media guy, hashtags?! HAHA
  • Will da BANKER! Giving her the nickname of Athena? Okaaaay…
  • Jonathan the lawyer… Fantasy Suite? Uhhhh awkward. Is he high?!
  • OH NO, shirtless Zak. Why does he look so lost getting out of the limo?

ZakWnonono

  • “Will you accept these abs?” OH NO. He does have nice abs, but this is awkward.

abs

  • “If I become your husband…” what a phrase, but he seems nice.
  • Larry ER Doctor, ooooh la la. Teaching her a dance move, OH NO! Her dress!
  • Nick the magician! HAHA.
  • FIRE

MAGIC

  • Converse dude.
  • OMG a dude in a knight costume! HAHA! Diogo is sweaty under that armor!

knightarmor

  • Shirtless Dude’s reaction to the knight and shining armor is priceless!
  • … I don’t get how that is weirder than showing up shirtless.

zakwwhenknightwalksin

  • Commercial
  • 10 more guys to meet!
  • I like this guy’s purple shirt… He is down on one knee… uhhhh…

Chrisdownononeknee

  • but he is tying his shoe? Sort of funny, but not really.

Christiehisshoes

  • Mike R. the dentist, is in his doctors coat? McDreamy uh okay.
  • Wait, what? This dude took off his tie?
  • Juan Pablo from Venezualo.
  • Why did he have her say “who”? HAHA
  • “I love chocolate!” Des, come on!
  • Motorcycle bro pulling up. OH IT’S MY BRO FROM COSTA MESA!

MotorcycleBrandon?

  • Brian is in a fancy velvet jacket, noice!
  • UH WHAT IS THIS GUY WEARING? HAHA

designedsuit

  • Aw a poem
  • Dan is a beverage sales person… ?
  • OH NO A LITTLE KID…

BensBoy

  • WITH A HANDSOME DAD. “I gave her the flower” OH MY, TOO CUTE…

DadBen

  • Didn’t they make this guy out to be a bad guy in the initial preview?
  • Commercial
  • Here we go with the cocktail party!
  • #iwantarose
  • Magician Nick is gonna do a trick… the music, so good.
  • OHHH he tricked us. But he’s witty!
  • “That was funny actually” -Des, okay, she’s not into it
  • Costa Mesa Bro steals Des… he missed his bday party to interview for the show! “When it comes to hometown dates…” OH MY, he thinks he’s gonna make it to final 4, wow!
  • Ben, the hot dad, explains that he’s best friends with his baby mama. OOOH lots in common, a lot of people love to camp though… Des is getting up… TO GET A ROSE!
  • “He’s husband material” DAAAAAYUM!
  • “How many are there left?” – some dude “One less” -some other dude HAHA!!!
  • DUN DUN DUN The man claws come out!
  • Commercial
  • What was that dance?!
  • These clips of mini dates are hilarious!
  • Shirtless guy is now down to his undies & is jumping in the pool… Last I checked if you want to talk to a girl you stay near her, you don’t jump in the pool that she is not in!
  • Oh, but he got a rose! Good for him.

ZakWgetsarose

  • Bryden, why so serious, is now talking to Des. About his german shepherd, aw! & a cute story about a kid he met in Iraq!
  • “I felt like I wanted to give him a rose” -Des … just say “I wanted to give him a rose”
  • Juan Pablo! HAHAHA We will never know what he says!
  • Oh they are gonna play soccer! Oh he’s good.
  • and now LITERALLY everyone is playing soccer, weird.
  • Shirtless guy is face down… ?
  • Commercial
  • Cutie Drew is now chatting with Des, AW HE IS SO CUTE.
  • ER Docter Larry is freaking out!

Larry

  • “Let’s talk about the dip…” HAHA She didn’t know what he was talking about. OMG he is so awkward, I feel bad! This is paaaainful.
  • Fantasy Suite Jonathan is downing drinks… push ups?!
  • Sitting in the “Fantasy Suite alone?!”

fantasysuitejonathan

  • “I’m gonna try to kiss Desiree on the mouth”
  • “I have no filter” THIS DUDE, MY GOSH.
  • “My mom says I’m good looking” … what is a love tank?

jonathanmymomsaysimgoodlooking

  • Hashtag guy is ridiculous… FANTASY SUITE JONATHAN IS GOING HOME!
  • Chris Harrison comes to SHUT DOWN the cocktail party… time for the ROSE CEREMONY!
  • Costa Mesa Bro is already having “life changing feelings”
  • Commercial
  • Rose Ceremony Time!
  • Costa Mesa Bro Brandon gets a rose, the life changing feelings are mutual for now.
  • Will da Banker gets a rose!

WillDaBanker

(I had to include this ridiculous face he made, even though it was from earlier in the show)

  • Long Locks Brooks gets a rose, he really has beautiful hair.
  • #Kasey is staying…
  • I don’t remember half these dudes, I would be a bad bachelorette.
  • FINAL ROSE GOES TOOOOOOO —-> Mikey
  • ER Larry goes home, the magician is going home, & McDreamy is going home & some other dudes I don’t remember are going home.
  • Poor ER Larry, the dipper, he’ll be replaying the dip in his head for yeaaaars.
  • AW Diogo, the knight and shining armor is going home.

Moral of the Episode: Don’t do something crazy for a first impression! No dips, no magic, no work clothes, and no medieval armor, and don’t mention fantasy suites!

OMG ABC is calling this Man Candy Monday *face palm*

Season Preview: Sail boats, islands, helicopters, personal concerts, waves, FIGHTS, man tears, GIRLFRIENDS?! man tank tops, aaaand my favorite: tattle tales.

“This is the worst possible scenario” hahaha I’m so ready.