Speculations and Spectacles

bitching about bitches … and other musings

The Bachelor Episode 3: World Records, Beach Bitches, and Fake Concussions

1 Comment

My dearest readers I am sorry I am posting this on a Wednesday. I went to a concert Monday night in place of my sick mother and then became a zombie for all of Tuesday dreading trying to be witty while watching The Bachelor. So let’s hope my wit is at least sort-of in tact today.

  • YES, this is the ambulance/accident episode accompanied with more shirtless moments, of course.
  • WHY DO THEY START EVERY EPISODE WITH SEAN WORKING OUT? DOES HE DO ANYTHING ELSE? Yawn.

rungif

  • 16 bitches left, thanks for clarifying Chris Harrison, who is wearing denim on denim. HOT.
  • Lesley M gets a solo date, how sad for the other Leslie who got her hopes up.
  • AHHHH the back of her dress is to die for. (by now I’m sure you realize I like the backs of dresses.)
  • They’re walking through the Guinness World Record Museum. OMG his dad set a world record?! How random. Now they are going to break a record, like father like son.
  • “I think it’s safe to say this date has potential to go in the record books” You are so cheesy, Sean.
  • They are going to attempt to break the longest on screen kiss “It’s the coolest thing I can imagine, don’t get me wrong, but I think my body is numb.” – Lesley M, HAHA!
  • Commercial Break
  • Oh the official world records dude has a british accent, how official.
  • So they have to kiss for 3 minutes and 15 seconds to break the record. That’s a long time to kiss on screen & in public.
  • I guess the record has stood for 10 years, can they do it?!
  • Here they go! Oh no, they are trying not to laugh.
  • “He’s starting to cop a feel now, this is getting more serious” Thanks Chris Harrison for the side comments.
  • Aaaand the romantic tunes start to play, this is dumb, this situation is not romantic.
  • 3 minute mark!!!!
  • They broke the record, big surprise. This will be weird for Sean’s future wife/girlfriend if its not Lesley M.

worldrecordkiss

  • Commercial Break
  • They are on top of the Roosevelt Hotel. Always on top of roofs for night dates.
  • Everyone on this show seems to have had the perfect childhood & their parents are still together and “madly in love”.
  • EW that slow motion shot of Sean’s tongue going into Lesley’s mouth was just, uhg.
  • Date card comes in back at the bitch mansion! Lot’s of bitches, 12 to be exact!
  • Aaand back on the rooftop confetti explodes while they are kissing on the rooftop. Was this planned? Like what if they didn’t kiss, would the confetti still explode? What if the date ended horribly? Does that ever happen?
  • Commercial Break
  • Group date time! They’re at the beach! Time for Shirtless Sean & skimpy, gaudy bikinis.
  • Kristy’s bandana is ridick.
  • Sean’s doing pushups with ladies on his back? Okay, so normal since all he really does is work out.

pushupsgif

  • Why is Chris Harrison not shirtless and in board shorts? I wish.
  • Competition time. UH OH. Bring out the claws! Volley ball tournament to continue on the date with Sean.
  • No one knows how to play volleyball. Especially Daniella.
  • Des serves to win! … Is Kristy crying?!

kristycrying

  • Six girls stay and six go home. Kristy is really upset, calm your tits, bitch.
  • Commercial
  • Wedding dress Lindsay is spilling her soul, awkwardly. KISS TIME. More awkward close ups of Sean’s tongue.

tongue

  • “When I fall in love, I give it my all” said every girl ever on The Bachelor.
  • BOOTY CLOSE UP on Des as well as Sean’s hand on her ASSets.

desASS

  • Tierra reads the date card and pulls a fast one on the bitches & reads two names instead of one. Leading to two upset bitchets.
  • I get she was trying to be silly, but this is a SERIOUS competition for true love. I mean come on, Tierra.
  • Des is listening in on Sean and Amanda’s alone time and begins to freak.
  • Kacie is a tattle tale! Of course there will be lady drama in a place where girls are fighting for the same man. Kacie, you’ve done this before, chill out!
  • Why is Kacie saying all this? Nothing is really going on.
  • “Why are you involving yourself” OHHHHH Sean you nailed it.
  • Tip 1: When you have alone time with Sean, NEVER talk about other girls or bitch mansion drama!
  • Wedding dress Lindsay gets the rose! HEYO.
  • Kacie is freaking out, CALM DOWN, seriously this is annoying.
  • Commercial
  • AshLee’s all ready for her one on one date Love her dress. Can someone buy that for me?

ashleedress

  • CRAAAAAAASH. Tierra fell down the stairs.
  • “As a guy who’s had several concussions…” Wait, seriously Sean?
  • Is Tierra really fighting the decision to go to the hospital? WHAT WAS THAT?

tierraneckbrace

  • Oh my gosh, now she’s laughing?! WUT? Poor AshLee. Is Tierra gonna get the rose from AshLee’s date?
  • I bet she just bruised her ass from falling, attention whore.
  • BUT SERIOUSLY. If you didn’t see this episode watch the stair fiasco:

  • Commercial
  • “I’m ready to move past Tierra’s fall” says AshLee, the professional OCD organizer HAHA
  • They shut down Six Flags to have it to themselves? Daaaayum, jealous.
  • …With a charity twist!

ashlee

  • Okay this is cute.
  • First private concert of this season! That’s probably the reason why I would want to be the Bachelorette, oh and to travel the world and go on awesome dates for free.
  • AshLee’s getting all sentimental recapping the day and talking about helping other people and shit.
  • Commercial
  • AshLee was adopted at 6 & was abused in a foster home! 😥 Okay, first contestant not from a perfect family.
  • Is Sean crying from hearing her story of meeting her adoptive family?! HE IS. Every woman across America is now crying because he is crying.
  • I wanna see a flaw in this man. Maybe his flaw is his blondness.
  • Hearing about how all these girls are falling in love is really painful. Most of them will be going home & will be upset for yeaaaaars. (Sorry, is that too pessimistic?)
  • Commercial
  • Cocktail Party! I JUST SAW A MOJITO. Give it to me.
  • Sean brought Leo, Sarah’s dog to the bitch mansion in a limo! HAHAA Soooo cute. Does he get to stay the whole time? I bet the girls would be more calm with a dog in the house that they could pet and play with.

leo_o_GIFSoup-1.com

  • Tierra’s earrings, WTF! They are GIANT. Her ears must be in pain. Maybe they’ll fall off.
  • Des cuts in on Tierra’s time.  I feel a CAT FIGHT brewing!
  • “I wanted more time with him & I get what I want” – Tierra. Oh okay Ms. Bitchy Pants.
  • OMG now Lesley M is stealing Sean from Tierra! OH WOW. This is getting intense.
  • “Girls are being ruthless” -Sean. Well no shit, they all think you’re God.
  • All while Des is sitting waiting for him to come back.
  • Kacie apologizes for the other night & wants time to talk but now AshLee and Selma cut in. UH OH AWKWARD.
  • It seems no one got “enough” time with Sean. Everyone just talked at him, he did no talking. Shit’s getting real.
  • Commercial
  • Rose Ceremony!
  • WHOA. Before he gives the roses out, he needs to talk to Kacie. (and he takes a rose with him)
  • “We’re better off as friends.” – Sean

kacie

  • Bye Kacie! (um I sooooo called it)
  • One rose left… We know Des is getting it. She’s been in previews for more weeks.
  • Model Kristy & Taryn (who?) are going home. See ya later, bitches.

kristygoeshometaryn

Previews: They focus on Tierra quite a bit. OMG ROLLER DERBY, bitches gonna be getting hurt. I predict Jackie is going home next week & maybe Daniella. We don’t see enough of them.

Moral of the Episode: Don’t bitch about other bitches to DUDES. Oh and watch out for using too much tongue like Sean:

toomuchtongue

See you next week for some real live blogging!

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One thought on “The Bachelor Episode 3: World Records, Beach Bitches, and Fake Concussions

  1. Hahaha! Shit got real serious this week. I wish you were watching with me and my roomie! There’s so much tongue action it’s ridiculous. But also, have you noticed he is ALWAYS touching their legs or hips. What is that? He is not as gentlemanly as he would have us believe. I would like him more if he embraced that…

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