Speculations and Spectacles

bitching about bitches … and other musings

The Bachelor Episode 2: “Tacky hos are a dime a dozen” or “Tornado of Negativity”

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and we begin with Sean pumping iron… again.

abssss

I hope every episode starts with Shirtless Sean being shirtless.

  • WHO GETS THE FIRST DATE?!!! —> Sarah! The one-armed hottie!
  • OHAI Helicopter… Sean is an angel descending from the sky, in a helicopter.
  • LOL @ all the girls covering their eyes from helicopter wind and hair blowing in the wind.
  • “My ability to love someone isn’t affected by how many hands I have.”
  • I love how much she talks about being one-armed.
  • Commercial Break
  • They are on a skyscraper now…
  • Oh so the first date is free-falling 300 ft just to drink champagne at the bottom, that’s totally normal.
  • SO MANY Go-Pros on their helmets!
  • Sean’s gonna be all manly and help Sarah face her fears… is this like a manly fantasy or what? This happens every season.
  • If that were me falling, I would be awkward and just not scream, then I probably wouldn’t get another rose.

seansarahbuilding

  • Commercial
  • She changed?! Were the producers holding onto her slinky black dress?
  • The sad music accompanies the story of her being denied zip lining because being “disabled”
  • OMG they keep cutting to close ups of her nonarm!
  • “I do consider myself a man” – Sean Lowe, 2013, Man of the year.
  • ANOTHER DATE CARD: Group date… with A LOT of bitches. 13 girls to be exact.
  • Sarah & Sean are in a fancy Moroccan canopy bed thing outside, WUT, and they are going one more place.
  • FIRST ROSE OF THE NIGHT GOES TO SARAH. hey girl hey.
  • FIRST KISS… “I feel like I’m falling in love with Sean” Ummmm, it’s only the first date, lady. Calm your panties.
  • Commercial
  • Group date time. Tierra is already reminding me of Courtney from Ben’s season. WATCH OUT!
  • Photo shoots for romance novel covers!
  • The model, Kristy, thinks she has this in the bag. “Homegirl’s a little excited to do a photo shoot” says the yogi.
  • Drama with Tierra, already, I’m not surprised. The pandora’s box of jealousy has been opened.
  • Lesley M is heating up the cowgirl shoot. UH OH, director of the shoot asks for them to kiss on the lips.
  • Tierra is freaking out and its showing… in her forehead. Looks at that tension, are those veins? Oh wait, maybe its a scar
  • Kristy the model is up… the other girls are saying “her scene was a hot scene.” SHE WON. Big woop.

seduced

  • Tierra is talking in third person, uh oh. She’s cray cray.
  • Commercial
  • Kacie’s hiding in the back, scared of a new set of girls.
  • Lesley M and Sean are hopeful for love together. She’s funny I like her.
  • “There’s a whole bunch of roses in the rose garden, just grab one.” -My Dad
  • Lesley M takes matters into her own hands and goes back to kiss Sean.
  • Uh oh, Kacie’s cute, but I think she’s in the friend zone in Sean’s brain. Oh & she just used that phrase, haha. OH and she has a wicked witch laugh.
  • Commercialzzzz
  • “Im vegan but I love the beef.” WHO’S DIS BITCH? … it’s Catherine, who might be the only girl who looks as young as she says she is.
  • Selma looks like she’s had work done, on her face.
  • Tierra is the mope queen. Queen of Mope. Distancing her from other bitchez.
  • Sean never stops smiling, I bet he would smile breaking up with a girl.
  • “Does she have more teeth than normal people?” -My Dad on Tierra
  • NEXT SOLO DATE GOES TO: Desiree “Call me Dez”
  • The yogi, Katie, is feeling weird, it feels unnatural. WELL LET ME TELL YOU, THIS SHOW IS UNNATURAL! Time to talk to Sean.
  • Bye bye yogi/crazy-hair Katie.

Katie

  • Kacie gets the rose… I don’t think she’s gonna win though.
  • Commercial Time
  • 1 on 1 date time with Desiree! PRANK TIME aka Punk’d Bachelor Edition
  • Sven is the artist, HAHA, great name.
  • This is kinda sad, are The Bachelor producers running out of ideas?
  • Desiree in the limo running her tongue along her teeth? Really editors, you guys didn’t have another shot of her?
  • All of her dresses have awesome backs!
  • “I am a bad person” – Sean. Yes, yes your are.
  • Commercial
  • Dinner time and the broccoli is huge! I guess they are trying to be all healthy and shit.

broccoli

  • Hand on the thigh, BOW CHICKA WOW WOW.
  • Jacuzzi time. OF COURSE HE’S WEARING RED, WHITE, & BLUE BOARD SHORTS.
  • “As a man I want to protect my wife.” – Sean the man.
  • Here we are rooting for Dez, but we all saw the preview where her boyfriend comes to town. Please don’t break Sean’s heart. All of America’s women will come after you.
  • Commercial
  • Rose Ceremony time!
  • Wedding Dress Lindsay is refraining from the champagne this time around.”My dad’s a general in the army” aka don’t break my heart, he will come after you.
  • Sean is in love with love. So he’s falling for everyone.
  • “Amanda’s not being responsive” Is she really not answering the other girls questions? WEIRDO.
  • Commercial
  • Amanda is the elephant in the room & I’m not saying she’s fat. I know I used that phrase incorrect, but you get what I’m saying.

Amanda

  • “The show is getting more culturally diverse” – Robyn, a hot black chick.
  • “Physically I don’t have a type.” Every girl in American swoons. Sean loves all women, because he loves love.
  • “Is she on the Shahs of Whatever?” -My Dad on Selma.
  • Robyn is pissed because Amanda is wearing the same color dress. HAHA jk. She’s pissed because Amanda’s being strange.
  • Amanda’s dress is like she has roses on her shoulders… Is that her good luck charm hoping to get a rose?
  • Commercial
  • Roses are being handed out. This is the time to look at all the sad girls’ faces.
  • TIERRA IS FREAKING. She just eye stabbed Jackie.

twofacedtierra

  • They keep cutting to Tierra, hahahha. We know she’s getting a rose though. YEP, there she goes. 3 roses left.
  • Taryn looks really old!
  • Amanda is the last to get a rose. EVERYONE is pissed. This was planned.
  • Bye Brooke! Your lipstick matches your dress.
  • The mother of two Diana goes home. Sorry, lady. “I wasn’t enough for him.” Getting denied sucks, but your odds aren’t that great, only one bitch wins.
  • At least Sean got a lotta kisses on this episode!

bachelorkisses

  • PREVIEWS: “She’s RUDE”. The accident happens next week where the paramedics come. YESSSS!

Moral of the Episode: Some advice from the lovely Amy Pohler

AmyPohler

No one reading my blog will end up dating Sean Lowe so listen to Amy.

Thanks for watching with me!

 

POST SHOW FUNNY: (From Sean Lowe’s twitter)

seanlowetwitter

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