Speculations and Spectacles

bitching about bitches … and other musings

The Bachelor, Episode One, Two Hours of Pure Madness

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Here we go…

  • I can’t wait to see all these girls cry.
  • OMG roller derby on this season, YESSSS. Can’t wait for that episode.
  • Sean Lowe is probably the most wholesome person… Is he really pumping iron in the intro?!

EXCLUSIVE: 'Bachelorette' contestant Sean Lowe strikes a pose in modelling photos from 2010

  • UH OH… memories of Emily. Will he be able to move on? Probably not.
  • “Don’t cry, you’ll be a winner” – My Dad
  • Okay, lets stop talking about Emily, ya dummy, she’s a real life Barbie with no personality.
  • OHHHH God has another plan for him… “Is God executive producer of The Bachelor?” – My Dad
  • OMG that play house is nicer than most people’s real houses.
  • Cheeeeeesy, Sean standing behind a rock while a wedding couple is having their photos taken in the background. COME ON.
  • Sean Lowe is sponsered by V-Necks.
  • Arie is back for kissing advice? Thank god. I hope they make out.
  • Commercial Break
  • Two losers drinking beers. Is it normal for dudes to be friends with guys who were in love with the same girl at the same time?
  • I wonder if they told Sean to wear a blue V-Neck to match his eyes.
  • Sean is “breaking up” with Arie… I hope Arie gets a rose.
  • “You’re kissing with your whole body” -Kissing advice from Arie… uhhhhhh what?

ariesean 11111

  • Where are the bitches? I’m ready for the bitches.
  • My dad is excited about the racial diversity this season.
  • I need to find a screen cap of Arie and Sean pretend making out.
  • Commercial Break
  • “HERE COME THE BITCHES” is what Chris Harrison really meant to say in his boring opening monologue
  • Desiree a bridal stylist…. WHAT THE HELL IS THE DRESS THEY SHOWED THE OTHER GIRL WEARING? SHE LOOKS LIKE A GYPSY. This girl looks too nice. All she wants is to get married & design her own wedding dress.
  • Tierra she’s had her heart broken twice… well here comes the third time. EW she’s psycho. She’s so boring they put a shot of her going up an escalator.
  • Robyn has her shit together, but dances barefoot. -Look at me, I’m flexible & can do backflips.
  • OMG THERE IS A MOM ON THE SHOW, her name doesn’t matter, she isn’t going to win.
  • Sarah HAS ONE ARM!!!!!!!!  Hottie with one arm. Check her out biking one armed! -I’m normal, I swear!
  • Man, all these girls are so into him with out even meeting him.
  • Some other bitch: “I have no idea why I’m still single” SHE’S A CAT LADY. SHE’S GONNA WIN. I HAVE FULL FAITH IN HER… Oh no, she is into 50 Shades of Grey. Nevermind.
  • Kristy, a model. DUMB. “Girls will be jealous of me” Shut up.
  • AshLee, spells her name like that, no joke. That’s all you need to know & she has undiagnosed OCD. SHE’S ALREADY CRYING! GTFO. Her dog is cute though.
  • Commercial Break
  • “The moment we’ve all been waiting for is finally here.” … 40 minutes into the show, thanks ABC.
  • “You are the bachelor” -Chris Harrison… OH SHIT, HE HAD NO IDEA.
  • Sean looks extra bronzed, ready to meet his ladies.
  • Girls squealing in the limo, when we can’t see them, weird.
  • First girl, it’s AshLee in a red dress. “I’m really happy it’s you” OH CHUT UP.
  • Jackie puts a kiss mark on Sean’s cheek, I bet he wants to smudge it off.
  • Selma pulls a tissue out of her boobs & washes off the kiss mark. THAT WAS PLANNED.
  • Daniella looks like she’s already trashed. She’s gonna be the Kesha of the show. Nice try being seductive.
  • Kelly is singing. I’m embarrassed for her & for Sean & for every other viewer.
  • Katie is doing yoga with him, I like her. & SHE’S BAREFOOT! You go girl.
  • Sparkly black dress girl made me feel uncomfortable.
  • Robyn eats shit doing back bends out of the limo… my Mom couldn’t handle it.

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  • Paige is a Jumbotron Operator & was on Bachelor Pad 3? I don’t remember her.
  • Tierra is a freak & is talking in a puppy voice, by puppy voice I mean the voice one uses to talk to puppies.
  • SEAN SAYS “Wait right here” WHERE IS HE GOING? PLEASE DON’T GIVE HER A ROSE IMMEDIATELY, DON’T BE DUMB.
  • Commercial Break
  • “Sean is what I’ve been wanting forever” – Tierra … shut up, girl. She is going to be the crazy bitch.
  • OH NO, SEAN GIVES HER A ROSE BASED ON HIS FIRST IMPRESSION. I bet the producers told him to do this, or he’s into baby voices and fake personalities, OH WAIT HE IS, HE FELL FOR EMILY.
  • “I hope this doesn’t create any tension among the girls.” – Sean. Yeah fucking right, here come the claws.
  • “Did she come in with that?” -some jealous bitch. HAHAHAHAHA.
  • Amanda, ANOTHER MODEL. Awkward moment, silent moment. Wasn’t awkward for Sean, but was awkward for all the viewers.
  • This girl is gonna guilt trip Sean into giving her a rose. “I drove 901238712895247875984932 miles to get to meet you”
  • I like Desiree’s dress. I really didn’t need to write this.
  • Sarah the one armed girl is here.
  • Football girl just wants to stare at his butt. WEIRDO.
  • The third Ashley is in a prom dress, woops wrong location.
  • “I would love to take you home & and feed you” Hansel and Gretel style.
  • NOOOOOOOOOO, a girl in a wedding dress just got out & she kissed him. SEND HER HOME. “I just wanted to show you my goofy side” You aren’t goofy, you are psycho.

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  • All 25 crazy girls are in the house.
  • SURPRISE TIME! … HERE COMES A CLIFFHANGER. ugh.
  • Commercial Break
  • Kacie B, the 26th bitch, is from Ben’s season. I don’t remember you, but I’m sure the other girls will remember her. Oh and my mom liked her I guess.
  • Let the shit talking commence.
  • Some girl doesn’t think it’s fair because “She had her chance with Ben, so why does she think it will work with Sean?” Maybe  because they are different people? I don’t know.
  • WHAT IS SEAN DRINKING? I WANT ONE.
  • Group scream, vomit. This is so awkward and cheesy.
  • Sean gives Kacie B his jacket while chatting. He wants to bone her already… THEY HUNG OUT RECENTLY?! Oh so they already boned & now she wants more. When she leaves he takes the jacket back, HA.
  • Crew dude just walked in the background, my dad is convinced it was a ghost. I have no idea what they are saying anymore. That moment was the best part of the show.
  • Recommendation: watch the show in slow motion, way more interesting. We re-wound to watch the crew dude walk by again.
  • OH CREW DUDE POSSIBLY BROUGHT THE ROSE. Oh its Desiree, wearing the dress I want.
  • Commercial Break
  • “Sooooo how did you get a rose?” -some bitch
  • New phrase “time to put our lady faces on”
  • Tip: wear a red dress, you’ll get a red rose.
  • Tierra needs to calm her crazy eyebrows (on the confession cam), I can’t handle it.
  • “Someone should tell him she isn’t Salma Hayek” – My Dad, I should just quote him the whole time.
  • No blondes with roses so far. He’s still scarred from Emily.
  • Wedding dress girl is feeling insecure. I WONDER WHY. “Honestly, I wish I was more sober right now” … she just won my heart. Oh my god, she’s so drunk. “I think I may have blew it” I do too.

406722_400150713396851_1374274786_n <— DRUUUUNK POSE

  • “Do we need me to start dancing?” said after chugging a drink, 50 shades girl is dancing all over, I’m a fan of the crazy bitches.

50shades

  • “I also brought a rape whistle in case I’m in trouble” -Sean. HAHAHAHA. I’m glad he has the rape whistle & tiny sense of humor. First funny thing he’s said all night.
  • 50 Shades fell.
  • WHAT ARE THEY FEEDING THESE GIRLS? They are all so drunk.
  • Idea: ABC should slip different drugs into the girls drinks to make it even more interesting, maybe they already do this o_O
  • More commercials
  • INSECURE SEGMENT
  • Taryn is crying, get yo’self some one on one time and shut up, bitch. She’s suicidal, I can tell. Call the hotline, get help!
  • “I don’t fight over a guy” – Taryn. Soooo have you ever watched The Bachelor before? What did you think you were signing up for?
  • “It’s easier to date a girl with two arms” says the one armed hottie. THIS IS SO SAD… BUT SHE GETS A ROSE. Ego boost for Sarah.
  • How is there even a rose ceremony when so many roses have already been given out?
  • “There should be black roses, you get a black rose and you have to leave immediately” -My Dad, who is funnier than me.
  • Commercials…
  • 7 Roses left…
  • “How does he know all their names?” -my Dad
  • Kacie got a rose! EYO the plot thickens.
  • Taryn got a rose without talking to Sean? That’s probably the route 50 shades and wedding dress should have gone with.
  • NVM, he chose wedding dress (the producers probably made him keep her)
  • Paige sucked on Bachelor Pad & now she failed on The Bachelor. Bummer City, population: Paige.
  • Is Sean Lowe related Rob Lowe?

Moral of the episode: It’s hard to be a girl & if you’re on The Bachelor don’t say “I’m glad its you” when you get out of the limo.

(I promise my next blog will be shorter)

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